A late night conversation between friends :)
aka Sammy just cannot grasp the concept that other people may sometimes feel awkward, so she forces people to have conversations such as this one with her while she feels completely fine.
S: Hey there.
F: Hiii
S: Going to bed soon?
F: I am in bed but if you refer to sleeping then nope
S: Alrighty. Then let's chat :)
F: Lol alright no problem
S: I kinda wanna have a semi-serious conversation. Sound okay? It can wait if you prefer hehe
F: It's cool go ahead
S: So you knew I used to like you about a year ago, correct?
F: Yes I remember
S: Did I ever explain why I got over it?
F: Nope you didn't
S: Well it's cause I don't like to chase. Especially when I know there's no chance. It's a self defense mechanism I suppose. The issue though is I am clingy. And I care too much. So I have a long history of chasing friendships. Meaning people who enter my life start to move on and would probably live completely fulfilled lives if they never spoke to me again. But I put forth a lot of effort to keep them around once in a while. So I always text first. And I always make plans. And I always like the photos and tweets so they know I'm there. And when there are changes I try to keep up and worry and be there. Which can be painful. Especially cause there's always the risk that I'm being annoying and overstepping my bounds while they just do not care. So. College has helped me let go of some of that. Little by little. But I'm struggling with you. Cause I know there is something on your mind often. And I don't know the details. And I don't know how to help. And even if I did, who's to say you want my help? What right do I have to worry? But I do worry. Because as a friend you mean a lot to me. And lately, I've been worrying too much. And that's not cute. But it's just not going away, so I needed to tell you. I don't expect this to matter so much or for you to suddenly tell me things. You have your friends for that. But I'm just gonna stop stressing and trust you. And pray for you. And be here. Seriously, I will always be here if you need me, whenever that may be. I guess the last part's all that matters. I'm just venting. But I wanted you to know where I stood. I'm not upset or in a mood. I'm just letting some things go :)
F: I mean I don't ever think you're annoying or overstepping your boundaries. I like you how you are, that's what makes you you. But I understand the whole chasing someone and I don't blame you. I'm sorry if this friendship feels one sided. You're not the only one cause I'm kinda like that with everyone. But that's no excuse. And I'm glad you worry about mt. And you care. I'm sorry for not exactly being open to you. Again, I'm not with anyone, even Wendy who you probably seen on twitter. Childhood friend since kindergarten yet she barely knows anything about me. I'm literally detached from everyone and everything. It's honestly hard to talk about things but just know you are honestly one of the very few people I can trust and talk to. I'm sorry if I frustrate you with all this. I don't mean to. But thank you again for being the person and friend you are. I know I don't deserve that much from you.
S: No you do deserve it lol. It means a lot to hear you say that. My point is really that I know that's just how you are so I truly had no reason to make such a big deal about it in my mind. I just wanna be the best friend to you that I can be, and I'm learning that this means not always knowing everything but being there when I'm needed.
F: I understand. I know how that feels too from previous experience. Unfortunately I'm doing the same thing to others. But trust me I don't mind you expressing this kind of stuff to me. It's okay and maybe I'll eventually learn to open up.
S: Thank you for listening :)
F: No need to thank me. You are welcome anytime.
S: Lol even at 2am!
F: Yes even 2am lol
Closure. Healing. Learning about myself and those I care about. Letting go. Getting rid of the yucky stuff. Understanding. Moving forward. Summer of self improvement indeed :)
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