Ethan Time

I finally did the scary thing. It was really scary and I thought I was gonna get judged. I didn't. My counselor is lovely. God bless her.

I spoke to my counselor about Ethan. And it was nice. I dunno. I don't tire of telling people how we met. 'Cause in all honesty it's a funny story. It's sweet. But I told her all of it. Some stuff, I have already said a million times. Others, she made me realize for the first time. But she laughed with me. And she sympathized. And she understood. It was really nice. It's always good to be reminded that, even though it was only two weeks, all the feelings are valid. The joy. The affection. The hurt. The confusion. The longing. The sadness. The annoyance and anticipation and wonder and sadness and nostalgia. I was so scared to tell her about all of it. Because the whole experience is just this giant mess in my life that could've been so easily avoided at so many different points. But it happened. And I'm still so absolutely glad it happened. Maybe not the lying. But the rest of it. It was magic.

She gave me a new tool for it. "Ethan Time". Obviously, I'm going to feel things. And I need to think about him. If I straight up try to ignore and just get angry or judgmental when the thoughts come up, the thoughts will just get even louder and stronger. But I also can't pretend like obsessing is going to give me all the answers. So, Ethan Time. An actual allotted time every day. And all I do in that time (no more than half an hour, but I think I'm leaning towards 15 minutes anyway 'cause who has the time for that) is think about him. I allow the thoughts to come through. I let my mind drift with it. And then, at the end of the time, I say that's enough. And if thoughts come any other time throughout the day, I very gently remind myself that there will be time to think of that soon enough, just not yet. I dunno. It could work. I hope it works. I'm ready to stop having all these dreams. They've become more frequent and more vivid. But that just reminds me that this matters. And it's okay that it matters. It's human. And it was magic. And as we all know, I am quite the fan of magic.