This Too Shall Pass

I've been avoiding writing in the blog about things or mentioning them in our conversations because I like to write them all in our letters. It's therapeutic for me. But it's come to the point where the past however many months have been far too eventful and I can't wait to say things. I miss everyone and everything.

Karla has been saying this to me recently. It's mostly about my driving anxiety and my hurt over Nick. I'm actually kinda grateful to my anxiety actually. It was the first time all day that I didn't think about Nick, or my conversation with Jonathan, or my crippling loneliness. I feel like that's the right term, considering how slowly I worked and how many times I actually almost cried today. Like, wow, weird, very unlike me to do that in a professional space. But hey, maybe this is why people drive to clear their mind. I was so focused on the road, I didn't have space in my mind to think about anyone else.

Maybe a major part of why the Nick thing still hurts so much is because I'm sitting here saying I haven't hurt this bad since you or Jonathan. Which, that pain was hard. Like, wow when I think back to the day I got your journal, or the day Jonathan told me about Samie? Wow. It hurts to breathe. And sometimes Nick feels like that, and I think how could I ever get over something like that??

But I remember Angner. I was 13 and I swore that I wouldn't feel like that about anyone else. I spent over a year thinking about him and the stupid things we did, and I could not go a single day without imagining it and regretting it and being so ashamed. And one day I stopped. I got over it and never looked back, except to remind me of dangers. This too shall pass.

I remember Ethan. And wow what a mess that was, I don't think I'll ever recall that without laughing at myself. I made SUCH mistakes and fell SO HARD because let's face it I'm insane and boy crazy and getting me to fall for someone is apparently not all that difficult. I was crazy about this kid! And I said my goodbyes and did what I thought was best for two months, until Heidi helped me figure my life out, I called the kid, we finally spoke, and got the most beautiful closure ever. There were times within the past year that I missed him and I missed that attention and how easy it all felt. But even those fleeting moments went away completely eventually. This too shall pass.

And so this jealousy over Jonathan? It needs to pass. This CONSTANT AND UNAVOIDABLE longing for Nick? It needs to pass. Regardless of whether or not I get the kind of straight forward closure that Ethan gave me. I know who I am as a person. I know that I will never be put through a trial that I cannot face. I know that I made certain decisions in my life because that is what I need and what is best for me. I know that this is hard and my tears are not done yet and I'm going to have to go through at least one more conversation about Stephanie, or whatever other girl who is probably also at McDaniel (because yes, let's continue to make it harder for me to go home), and at least one more day without a goodnight text from Nick before it doesn't hurt. Eventually I will see Jonathan, Nick, and you all with someone who you love and it won't be me. But eventually, the pain shall pass. Today was the slap in the face I needed to realize that. I don't know that I want these things to end. I think a massive part of me is still waiting for the day that Nick calls me first and we can talk for hours again. And I don't know WHEN they will end, considering Jonathan has held my heart for about nine years now, and Nick has done so with what feels like a MUCH tighter grip, despite us only really talking for two months. But everything comes to an end. And, in order for me to regain my sanity and my strength, I have to believe that I am better because of these things. And I have to remind myself, over and over, no matter how many times it takes, that this too shall pass.