I'll Regret This Later

Brace yourselves. It's another long one.

Reason 261: I'm going to say something I didn't think I'd say here. Family read my blog. My friend's mom reads this blog. I don't like calling people out, and quite frankly it's not the type of thing I want to put on here. But I'm going to write about it.

My friendship with John is somewhat of a sanctuary for me. This is partially due to my need for male interaction, seeing as my friend groups have never really consisted of much estrogen before now. It's mostly due to the kind of relationship we have. We can actually talk about anything. Seriously. People have scolded us for talking about really private things in public, and we forget that we're not supposed to be comfortable mentioning those things. Most importantly, I know for a FACT we will never be attracted to one another. I can't explain why. If I do, it will make him sound like a complete jerk, which is not my goal. I mean he is a jerk. Especially when it comes to his standards in girls. He admits to this every day before anyone even has to remind him. But I honestly prefer it. Here's why.

I HATE being the rebound. But I always am. The vast majority of guys I'm friends with have, at some point, told me they liked me or were interested in me, only to gain my interest and then realize I was a "rebound" or "last result" or "desired hook-up, but not a relationship". Seriously. It's happened way too much. And it never ends badly. Give me a day, I promise I get over it. And I've stayed great friends with all these guys. They're not bad people. I see them with their other girlfriends, they know how to treat girls. It's really just with me. Jason once said that it was because, when you're at your lowest, all you want is kindness and love. "So, naturally, they think of you." Sweetest thing he's ever said to me, by the way. I mean it doesn't justify the guys' actions. But in a way, he's right. Good people don't do something like that unless they absolutely need to. And even today, they still apologize to me for it, even though it's not their fault that they didn't actually like me. A few of them are actually more strict about who I date because they don't want me to go through that again (not that they've had anyone to worry about for a while).

But the point is, even though it all has a happy ending and there are no hard feelings, it still hurts. In the moment, it stings. Especially because it's always the same story, and I'd love if someone could actually like me, not just need me. I'm tired of it. Not angry tired. Just drained tired. And, knowing me, it could happen again and I'd forgive the guy like it was nothing. I put my foot down, and said "high school is over, I'm not letting this happen to me anymore". And that kind of starts with John. Okay, so he doesn't find me attractive. Good! Finally! There's no confusion. We know exactly what our relationship is, we're both incredibly happy with it, and it will not change any time soon. With John, I feel safe.

I'm going to regret it later. I have SO much work to do. Not like "all-nighter" work. But "up 'til 5" work. But I took a few hours and just hung out with John for the 1st time since last semester. It was much needed. I'm in such a good mood. Hallelujah friendships. Also, this song is catchy and related (whole conversation started because we mentioned Hayley Williams and new Paramore).

When In Doubt

Reason 210: I don't know if you remember a few years back, when I referred to Alex Melendez as my rock. Welp, he has proved true to that statement yet again. Because after all my moping and whining and blah, he said exactly what I needed. Not what I wanted to hear. What I needed to do to get my act together. Because I didn't need the whole "I'm so sorry here let me hug you" approach. He needed the "You have control of your life, Sammy, now go and do what you have to do" speech, along with a few words of kindness. Now I feel ready to face the day! Oh how little things can make such a difference. I got this. I can do this. I will do this. And it will be brilliant.

We're Just Good Friends

Reason 209: The above is a book title. We had to read a chapter of this book for my Communications homework. The focus is cross-sex friendships. I personally loved the reading, because let's be real, that's my life. And I loved how it really does happen so often, how a guy and a girl can be so close and have an amazing relationship without it being anything more than friendship. It's a beautiful thing, and all the people involved in the study agree. (Can't find the article online, but I'll keep looking for ya). The only thing that stopped me is conversation topics. When the interviewer asked what people talk about, the list ranged from family issues to inside jokes. But no one said sex. It did mention romance with others, but not sex. And then, even though they said, "there's nothing awkward between us ever!", when the interviewer asked if they talked about their feelings towards each other, they all acted as if it was ridiculously taboo. And I think there's where I become the outlier. Because I thought that would be more common! Mind you, when it comes to sex conversations I am able to contribute basically nothing because LOL not about that life. But still, it's not awkward, it happens! And as far as how you feel about someone, I always thought you should be the most willing to tell your friends. And my friends agree. At least they seem to. And that's what I love about my boys. When we say we can talk about anything, we mean anything & everything.

Hooray for bros

ALSO: God bless the person that invented cough drops!

Body & Soul

Reason 103: My Group Process class. I told you it's one big therapy session, right? Today we did Self-Revelatory performances. Basically, tell a story that has impacted your life. I don't go until Tuesday, so we got to watch 3 of the 6 performances today. Obviously, I can't tell you what they were. Confidentiality, understandably. But it truly touched my heart. I'm blessed to be in a class such as this. One story completely related to me. It spoke of a decision, and choosing desire versus what you know is best. It sort of makes me reevaluate my relationship with God, and I'm glad I could take  step back. Another, I had no connection to at all. It was such a strong story, and it weighed heavy in my heart. But it's like I saw a new side of this person. And I got a good few tears out of it, which was very cleansing. I'm glad I took this class. Honestly, truly. Can't wait until Tuesday, I'll do my best to tell our story well.

This song always does a good job of cleansing my attitude. Beautiful lyrics, great melody, and all the love for Jared Leto. 30 Seconds to Mars does good work haha

Part 2 Of My Confessions

Reason 50: So part 4? Yeah, more and more likely. But I have stuff to tell you. Basically, it makes Part 4 a lot better. A lot sweeter. This weekend was wonderful. Part 4 was just the marshmallow fondant on the blue velvet cake :)

  

PS: This song reminds me of running laps in the LMS gym.