24 Hours

Dear Samantha,

Maybe write in this thing more than once a month? Just a thought

So I sent you a NOVEL this morning. And it's been an eventful day since. I know you're not the only person who reads this (as much as I like pretending this is our safe space), so context is necessary. Sorry for the repetition haha.

I went to McDaniel yesterday. I had an ABSOLUTE BLAST. Gabe and I went to brunch at Silver Diner because I'm predictable consistent. We picked up Margie at the metro station and rode our way to Westminster (shout out to Gabe for being a gem and driving us back and forth omg). We hung out in my favorite building. I showed her around and teared up when I stepped on stage. People came to love on us, including the bae herself, Jess Mies. We hung out in the greenroom, served tea, ate Buffalo Wild Wings, reminisced on old quotes from the quote wall, and had the most amazing time. It was much needed and it felt like home. I COMPLETELY forgot to take a birthday squad picture so I could tag you and Jonathan cause I miss you both. Will remember for next visit.

As per usual I tried to make plans with Nick, this time specifically for his birthday, and as per usual they fell through. I'm honestly not surprised nor disappointed 'cause it was still a great day haha. I saw him at the show later that night, which was a fantastic show by the by, and noticed who he walked in with, but didn't think much of it. He and I chatted and it was nice to give him a big birthday hug. It wasn't until the actor walked into the audience that we turned around and EVERYONE in the first two rows saw him holding hands with this girl. This girl who I absolutely adore and can absolutely do no wrong, by the way, please don't start hating just in my defense haha.

Here's the negative part of the blog post on my positivity blog: My heart sank. I felt physically ill. Like, actually nauseated. I had Jess and Joshy hold my hands because I was struggling to understand what my body was doing, I thought it might be panic attack since I've never had one. I imagined something like that would happen (though the person was a pleasant surprise) and I thought I'd be totally fine. But I was shaking? And my breathing was strained and my heart was about to leap out of my body it was beating so fast. More than anything, from that point forward, I just reeeeaaallly wanted to vomit. That's the most dominant, vivid feeling from last night. I missed a whole scene of the show 'cause I just wanted my body to calm down. Lots of people also felt the need to ask me if I saw and if I was okay. I was not. I was so so so SO indescribably not. Luckily I was sitting in front of Brandi who is the ONLY person Nick tells things to, so I asked her. And she's a good friend so she said nothing, which is basically a yes haha. And I tried to say nothing because if he doesn't want people to know, then I'm not about to announce it to the world. But people saw for themselves so I didn't have to say anything. I heard from someone else they were most likely just hooking up but I doubt it if they're holding hands in public and leaving together. (SLASH I'd rather they date because then that means two people I adore will be happy together and I can be happy for them). I wanted to go home, but forced myself to make the most of the next few hours with people I rarely get to see. Gabe drove Margie home and then dropped me off. Jen S. showed me love. Joshy, Jess, and Margie all texted me goodnight to show support and love and apologize for my icky experience. I thanked them. Proceeded to vent to Margie so the other two could sleep (though they totally would've stayed up). Michael texted me his usual goodnight message and I unleashed EVERYTHING onto him (partially cause you & Jonathan were not available, you know I'd always go to you first for anything, and also Michael listens well). Margie stayed up with me for a few hours. Michael did until I fell asleep at 4am. From the moment I got home to 4am it was consistent crying, wondering if I should force myself to throw up, re-seeing them together, imagining the things we used to do with her replacing me (be it more intimate stuff or just the sweet and simple moments that I honestly preferred), and yelling at myself. First, I was yelling because I was being so whiny and pathetic over a 2 month relationship that ended 7 months ago and a guy who had made zero effort to be an active part of my life since then, I SHOULD'VE moved on by now. Around 2:30, I was yelling because I realized I'd been with other people between the breakup and now, so I felt hypocritical and idiotic because of course he would do the same thing and I had absolutely no right to feel as hurt as I was if it was only natural for people to seek other people. I was angry at myself for being so dramatic and pathetic, though in my defense I might've handled things better if my BODY didn't react to my intense emotion by MAKING MY STOMACH DO FLIPS UNTIL 4AM. I went to bed wanting love and text conversations from people but not wanting to SEE anyone, which is weird because I always thrive on physical contact and affection when I'm down. I woke up sans nausea, with no desire to see anyone. I didn't want to go to church, which usually means I need to go. Despite my hoping that I wouldn't have to be told what I already knew somwhere in my heart, the lessons at church today were very spot on and hit home, basically reminding me that God's doing this for a reason and, as we knew back during the breakup, it's better this way, especially for me in the long term. It became evident that this was what God knew I needed and that He made my next steps very obvious, and that my entire body wanted to reject those instructions with everything it had. Despite the fact that without the girl, not a single thing would've been different anyway, this hurt beyond belief, and NOW it was to the point that God was speaking to me and I actively did not want to listen. I didn't participate in Santa Cena, a big deal for me, because I knew my heart was not in the right place and God deserved better than that, and I'd have to work on myself before I could participate again. I cried during service three times. Not loudly, but profusely. And NO ONE in my row had tissues haha. We went home and I put on PJs and shut myself up in my room. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but lie in bed, maybe distract myself with shows. The last time I cried over a boy and felt that crappy at church, you showed up at my door. I knew I was on my own for this one.

I spent 23 hours moping and whining and sobbing and miserable. My 23 "woe-is-me" hours. In those hours, people checked in on me. The reaction to what happened seemed to be the same across the board. The new couple, or whatever you want to call them, was shocking. Totally out of nowhere (unsurprising, they're not very public people. I'm the only one who blogs about her personal life for all two people to keep up with). They were shocked, but still excited. The pair made sense and they are both wonderful humans who have the potential to make each other so happy, and they both deserve to be happy. But everyone was worried about me. I was the ONLY REASON this news wasn't obvious good news. And that doesn't fly with me. That is NOT acceptable. I REFUSE to be the reason people can't have joy. No. Done. In the 24th hour since finding out, I got out of bed, demolished my workout after having weeks of really crappy ones, and got ready to watch my FAVORITE band kill it at the Grammys. No more moping. And this isn't like "I'm gonna do my best to get over it and fight through the pain". No, I'm genuinely good. I'm happy. That realization was the wake up call I needed. Deuces to a dead end relationship! I'm so effing happy for these kids. They have to be so stinkin cute together. Hey, even if it's not serious and they're just fooling around, congrats homegirl is in for a good time, I can vouch for that. This is it! This is the moment I move on with my life. 

Now we're on a whole new 24 hours. I feel like I can breathe again. To say the thought of missing that relationship is completely gone is a lie. But in the past seven months, it would occupy maybe 40-70% of my brain space on any given day. I have to say I'm at a solid 15%. This is day one so who knows if I'll continue to get better but I'm pretty confident about it, not gonna lie. God is so good! He provided the words I didn't want but NEEDED to hear. Last night was Him helping me out, and I knew it but it didn't feel like a good thing. Now it does. God heard me shout up and down about how I want to keep moving forward, but I was standing still. So he gave me a pretty intense push, and now I'm running forward. I'm not running to another relationship or to some random goal. This isn't like "success will be the best revenge" where I show Nick up by doing better. No, bump that, literally who has time to care about all that? I'm just running because I'm excited. I have zero clue where I'm going. But God's marked the path so I'll just follow that and see where it leads. I'm happy and I want everyone else to be happy. For me. For them. For whatever the future holds. Because even the tough spots do good eventually. I am ALL about giving people time to grieve. I took my 24 hours. Now I'm done wasting time. Upward and onward to a better me, whatever that means!

I'm grateful for a BRILLIANT day yesterday. I'm grateful for a place to call home. I'm grateful for a new form of closure. I'm grateful for personal movement in my journey. I'm grateful for every single person who continues to show me love and support that I can't even fathom. God is good, and He knows what He is doing. No one will EVER convince me otherwise.

Long Rant Is Long

Reason 156: The end of 2012.

Sorry. I'm about to rant endlessly, and I need to say this. Feel free to skim through it, but I just need somewhere to say everything. After all, this is 2012. Haven't we waited for this year.. for all our lives?

This year is, without a doubt, the most memorable. I started thinking I might have someone to keep around, and end the year alone. Hehe, not that it's bad, just an observation. But seriously, I can't even believe how much has happened. It's been a long year! We were already planning my sister's wedding! I built up someone special to me only to be let down. I went to my last Theatre Fest. I reevaluated my friendships, but mostly myself, and came to terms with everything. I played matchmaker! I sobbed at new anime, because that's what I do. I had a friendship that proved to be one of the most important things in my life. I participated in my final show with Einstein S.T.A.G.E, and sobbed farewells with the family that I've come to love so dearly. I got close to my church family, realizing just how much support and love they have given me, and finally appreciating their company. I got close to depression (well, at least someone thinks I did), and took steps to help myself. I kept a journal, and realized how much writing could heal me. I spent an absolutely miserable, not-worth-the-money night (prom, which my mom forced me to go to) with one of my favorite people in the world, making it all a million times better. I graduated! My sister and I graduated in the same month, and moved onto bigger, brighter things. I got into the school of my dreams, and made the decision to not go in order to save money for my family. I learned new things about one of the best friends I'd had for over 4 years, and realized just how much I could really count on him and look up to him. I had the first boyfriend my mom was okay with... which lasted all of 2 weeks haha, and I learned that I get over things long before my mother does (she brought it up LAST WEEKEND.. like.. can I help you?) but maybe my being okay with my life is slightly more important than my mom being okay with my life. -shrug-. I spent the last few days I could with the people who have been so special to my life for so long. I got a journal that changed my life. I got my heart absolutely shattered, and spent a good bit of my time feeling a ridiculous amount of pain, until I finally stood back up stronger than ever. I got over it, and realized how much of my life I'd been ignoring. And I started a blog that changed my life for the better, making every day something to look forward to. I got addicted to the YouTube community (more so than I already was, yeesh), and have been able to find people that seriously inspire me. I got an itty bitty turtle named Peligro. I got over myself and went to a school I wasn't too excited about, only to find out that it was the perfect place for me. I got stuck with the most incredible roommate I could seriously ever ask for. I made some insane, but oh so wonderful new friends. I got a significant role in my first college production. My sister got married to the first boyfriend of her's I've ever liked, aka the man who has proven to me time and time again that he truly loves her and our family. I felt pretty for the first time in years upon years upon years, and spent the day partying with my family, a very good friend, and relishing in my sister's glow. Seriously, I've never seen her happier than her wedding day. I'm still proud of myself for holding back my tears and keeping my shoes on! I spent the night, and the rest of the week, talking to the person who works his way into my heart so easily. I felt a connection with him that I'd never had before, even if we were limited to text on a computer screen. I skyped with this kid until 6am one day, just to have him joke and suggest and explain, while I sobbed and missed him and laughed and had my breath absolutely taken away. Sorry, it sounds ridiculous, but you don't forget calls that last til 6am. I was let down when I couldn't see him. I questioned my relationship with him. I questioned my relationship with a lot of my friends. And I think I'm still getting answers. Other answers presented themselves right away. I put on my first college production, and had an absolute blast with this new family of mine. I got news that, by June next year, I'm going to be an aunt. (By the way, the baby is now the size of a sweet potato!). I came home and watched my S.T.A.G.E babies put on their fall show, making me realize for the 1st time how much I missed home. I lost our little turtle. I cut my hair exactly how I'd wanted it for over a year! I went through a lonely phase, as I so often do, because I'm the only one without a significant other. I began to get over it. In fact, I think I'm finally okay with just joking about it and knowing that my time is far off, and it's better that way. Let's be real, I need time to find some better options (haha I love my boys! So much! All the love!). I made a decision that really has defined me, and I think it's made me more capable of focusing on myself rather than the things in life that shouldn't matter to a teenager. I started writing letters again, which was so great for me. I decorated for winter, and had basically the coolest looking dorm ever. Whoever stole my ribbon was obviously jealous. I had the worst birthday ever, along with the strongest illness of my life. I finished my first semester of college, with all A's! I came home just in time to see my sister getting over her Hyperemesis and, though she's still not fully healed, start to get better and better everyday. I bought the least amount of Christmas presents I have ever bought in my life! And sent out all my Christmas cards, aka my favorite tradition. I went to my sister's church and cried. I went to my church and spent time with some of my favorite people, even if it did get a little hectic. I spent time with my insane but oh so lovable family. I read 2 books in 2 days. And now we're here. 

Oh my gosh why is she still writing, aren't her entries supposed to be short? Isn't she done yet? GAH.

 Sorry, but some thank you's are in order. Thanks to YouTube, because all you vloggers have taught me a lot over the year, as well as made me laugh to no end. Thank you to everyone I go to church with. You guys have brought me SO much to be thankful, including a support group that I know will never steer me wrong. You also managed to bring me back into reality, and snap me out of my lonely spiral to see that I need to focus on me. Thank you to all my little S.T.A.G.E loves for your support and encouragement, and all the hugs everytime I visit. Special thanks to Spencer & Diana, for being there for me this summer/first semester in more ways that you can imagine. Thank you to Smeallie, for all that you've taught me, all the support you've shown, and for believing in me. Thanks to Evan for the love of a big brother, and for making prom fun, despite the dress up (because in case you didn't know, I LOVE jeans, and I despise wearing dresses). Thank you to JuanJosé and LuzKarime, who despite distance are absolutely always there for me and have proven to be some of my best friends. Thank you to my girls, Charlotte & Margie, for making me laugh like absolutely no one else in this world can. Thank you to my girls on campus: Lauren, Sara, Jess, and Emily, for accepting me so quickly, and making McDaniel a fun adventure. Thank you to the Hairspray cast & crew + my FYS + Alpha Psi Omega + my acting class + my Group Process class because you've ALL embraced me and become good friends with me, good enough that we've already cried together and run to each other for huge hugs. Thanks to Mariah for cheering me up with a baseball game. Thanks to John for being my go to bro on campus, which I seriously need and miss. I promise, you're not that cocky, and you are charming. Thank you to Mae, my peer mentor who has seriously been a huge help in guiding me through this new place, as well as a fantastic friend. Thank you to the T.O.D and all the bros, for all the laughs and brilliance you guys have. You've all been wonderful to me and I can't thank you enough for it. You made high school that much more fun. Special thanks to Jason, Storm, and Alex for being my best friends for so long, and always knowing exactly how to cheer me up. And for teaching me that I can be done with being the rebound girl. Thank you to Harrison for a ridiculous amount of memories, including all the beautiful music and gifts. Thank you to Abi for being my number one favorite person ever, and basically for being you. Trust me, you are a blessing in everyone's life. Thank you to Jonathan, for a whole lot. Thank you for us, I guess. We're so messed up and dysfunctional, but I can't imagine a life without you. Also, thank you for playing in Karla's wedding, it seriously means a lot. Thank you to Eric Allasi for always being front row for all my shows, and for a fantastic summer of friendship and fandoms. Thank you to Rose, Kimberly, and Shelly, who have been there my entire life, and continue to show me love and support every day. Thank you to the family of my friends, who have shown me nothing but kindness all these years, and have blessed me with some incredible people throughout the years. Thank you to my family for being there my whole life and making every reunion so perfect. Thank you to Eric Bowen for being so good to my family, and so good to my sister. And thank you Karla. Thank you for everything ever, because the list is WAY too long.

Is she done yet? Can this be over? OH MY GOD.

Almost! Sorry! Last words. Happy 2013 to all. And just a few links to get you into the new year spirit.

Dis One and Dis One.

Love, Sammy  

It Gets Better

Reason 45: Look at how far we've come this week. It was so ridiculously hot, and now, it feels SO NICE OUT. Look at how far we've come this year. I was so terrified of my future and what I'd do with my life, and now I'm finally at McDaniel, happier than I've been in a long time. Look at how far we've come this decade. September 11, 2001 was a dark and scary time, and our hearts were filled with hate. But now, we as a nation come together and share our love for those lost and their families. After darkness comes light. There's proof of that every day.

So youtube/former American Idol contestant Todrick Hall has posted a new video of him performing live. This is his song "It Gets Better". Please keep it in mind. There's a light at the end of your tunnel, I promise :)