I stopped writing in this blog so long ago. I'm rereading some of the things I wrote at 18 and I'm mortified at who I was and how my mind worked. I didn't stop writing because of embarrassment. I stopped because this used to be a special, safe place for my friends and me. When my friends were no longer there, it no longer felt like a safe place to write or vent or share. I learned to give thanks and enjoy life in private pages, using journals and diaries the way most people should when they're working out their thoughts. And then I'd remind myself not to use my public twitter profile as a private diary. I thought about resurrecting the blog a few times, but never felt comfortable reminding myself of what I've lost. Which is a shame because I had just redesigned the page (what is this font? It's not easy to read haha). I was thinking about how this "one-year" experiment shaped the person I am today, and how my college years are recorded through each post. Even now, it feels like I've outgrown this page. But I suddenly have a lot to say, and this time I want to share it, so here I am.
I grew up listening to hymns all my life. Almost exclusively in Spanish. Despite being fluent, I won't pretend I really understood what I was singing. In middle school, I started listening to contemporary Christian music. Pop songs (some rock songs? Really a whole lot of secretly country songs) about God that were meant for a modern audience, played on a listener-funded station, and some of my first examples of personal relationships with Jesus. These songs made me feel more connected to God than being in church did for a long time. Fast-forward to 2020. I'm attending Highlight Church. I recognize some songs they play from the radio, but most of them are new. It's a different level of emotion and vulnerability that I'm not used to, and I cry just about every time. I'm not used to losing myself like that while I sing for God. But somehow, I am asked to join the worship team. I learn very quickly that I don't know that much about worship music, and that my knowledge of artists is extremely limited. I try to learn quickly by looking up playlists on Spotify between rehearsing songs for Sundays. Some combination of my love of art, my growing faith, and my increased availability for God led me to sing in a way I never had before. I had (and have) a lot to learn, but it was like something unlocked in me when I heard what real worship was, and I wanted to help others know that feeling, too. The song that made fall in love with worshipping God was Communion.
They hadn't performed it at church - at least not since I started attending. I'd only heard the recording. And I remember thinking 14 minutes was an excessive amount of time for a song. But I couldn't stop playing it. The music was gorgeous. The different voices coming together and genuinely praising with everything they felt moved me to tears and made me wish I could feel the love that was in that room. The ongoing ad libs made it so much more personal to me, to think that it wasn't about perfect execution or what would sound the most impressive, but just the Holy Spirit stirring in someone so greatly that they have to sing it out right then and there. And because He is present with them all in that moment, it all blends together so beautifully.
The lyrics will always get me. The chorus starts, "You are closer, closer than my skin. You are in the air I'm breathing in." You can hear that God is with you a million times, but actually feeling His presence is a whole new level. I regarded Him as a distant guardian for such a long time. I knew exactly what they meant with this lyric because inviting Him to be part of my every day life and my emotions and my thoughts allowed Him to actually feel as close as He had always been.
But then we get to the next part of the chorus. "Here's where the dead things come back to living. I feel my heart beating again. It feels so good to know you are my friend." Things weren't as scary anymore. I wasn't as lonely anymore. I had guidelines AND grace to mess up once in a while. I loved myself more. I was energized and motivated and more hopeful than I had ever been. I forgave myself for so many things. Getting closer to God helped me enjoy life in a way that I missed out on for far too long. Before then, there were times I had no desire to live, and I still convinced myself it wasn't a big deal because at least I wasn't going to do anything about it so it didn't matter if I was numb and indifferent and hopeless. And now suddenly there was light in the darkest places and support when I was weak. More accurately, I could finally see and appreciate the light and support that had always been there. It turned me into the obnoxious, overly-optimistic, preachy friend I am now haha. And I like myself a lot more this way. This song so brilliantly captured what my transformation felt like. It was too spot on.
The bridge says, "This is where I'm meant to be. Me and you, and you and me. I don't have to prove a thing. You've already approved of me". Imagine telling yourself for YEARS that you weren't good enough. For God, for people, for opportunities, for whatever else. And then to be told I don't have to prove anything because He loves me as I am and He sees greatness in me. I can't sing these words without getting tears in my eyes. This knowledge changed my life and I know it has the power to do the same for others. And when I think about other people who have been struggling finally knowing that they are loved as they are, and I envision their chains breaking, my heart soars. The repeated line "I didn't know I could have a friend like you" brings me so much gratitude. I think about the kind of friend He is. And how someone like that loves someone like me beyond measure. I think of how He has loved me and shown me that love. Geez. It's overwhelming.
At the end of the song, the group continues recording. They start to sing an older hymn that I had never heard growing up! And they go right back into Communion. Repeating "Here's where the dead things come back to living. I feel my heart beating again." And the lead in this section ad libs, "I'm not numb anymore." I shouldn't have to tell you what those words mean to me. It's so powerful.
ALL THIS long review to say. When I finally heard our musical director and vocalists singing this song at our Flourishing women's brunch this month, I was a puddle of tears. Again, this song hadn't been in our rotation since I joined, so it completely shocked me to hear people I've grown to love sing these words with me. I started on this team as very reserved worshipper - standing still and hoping nobody saw me tearing up. On that morning, I was down on my knees bawling. It was exactly what I needed to hear after a hard week, and having one of my leaders come pray over me only made my heart burst more. AND THEN. To be told I would get to sing it with the team this past Sunday? I was over the moon. I didn't know if this song was familiar to our church yet, but I knew someone would be blessed by it and I just had to share it with them. I told some friends to tune in because I'd be singing my favorite worship song, and of course they couldn't because of the time change and their own services and being busy and whatever else. Which was disappointing, but it was fine because I had my own church home with which to grow and sing and cry. And I say it was fine because I couldn't know what impact they did or didn't feel, but I felt like it was a good experience for everyone.
This morning, I log onto my socials and see all kinds of posts about worship yesterday. Let's not even pretend they're talking about us. My team is amazing, but this is not to glorify Highlight Worship. They're talking about Communion. They're telling their testimonies and sharing what that song means to them. They're talking about how special that song is and how the words tell their own story. It's another thing I share in common and get to celebrate with my church family. Every time someone mentioned it, I got the biggest smile on my face.
Our church is doing a series called "An Amazing House with a Beautiful Garden". It's about a healthy local church: what makes one and why it's important to have one. Not a perfect church! Those aren't real. But a healthy one. It makes me want to sing the praises of my leaders and teams because I know I'm finally in the healthy church I had been looking for most of my life. But it also reminds me that I am now a part of this environment and I contribute to the soil here. I play a part in making sure that it IS a healthy church, and that anyone who gets planted here gets what they need to grow. Communion is a story for so many people, and if we continue to operate in excellence, we can see it happen for so many more.
The nice thing about writing in the blog is that typing is faster than writing in a journal haha. But I don't think Smilation is coming out of retirement any time soon. I just needed to get some thoughts out. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Let me know what you think of the song, or if you have a piece of art that impacts you. I'd love to hear I'm not just talking to myself! Either way, I'm going to carry this good mood with me for as long as I can.
