24 Hours

Dear Samantha,

Maybe write in this thing more than once a month? Just a thought

So I sent you a NOVEL this morning. And it's been an eventful day since. I know you're not the only person who reads this (as much as I like pretending this is our safe space), so context is necessary. Sorry for the repetition haha.

I went to McDaniel yesterday. I had an ABSOLUTE BLAST. Gabe and I went to brunch at Silver Diner because I'm predictable consistent. We picked up Margie at the metro station and rode our way to Westminster (shout out to Gabe for being a gem and driving us back and forth omg). We hung out in my favorite building. I showed her around and teared up when I stepped on stage. People came to love on us, including the bae herself, Jess Mies. We hung out in the greenroom, served tea, ate Buffalo Wild Wings, reminisced on old quotes from the quote wall, and had the most amazing time. It was much needed and it felt like home. I COMPLETELY forgot to take a birthday squad picture so I could tag you and Jonathan cause I miss you both. Will remember for next visit.

As per usual I tried to make plans with Nick, this time specifically for his birthday, and as per usual they fell through. I'm honestly not surprised nor disappointed 'cause it was still a great day haha. I saw him at the show later that night, which was a fantastic show by the by, and noticed who he walked in with, but didn't think much of it. He and I chatted and it was nice to give him a big birthday hug. It wasn't until the actor walked into the audience that we turned around and EVERYONE in the first two rows saw him holding hands with this girl. This girl who I absolutely adore and can absolutely do no wrong, by the way, please don't start hating just in my defense haha.

Here's the negative part of the blog post on my positivity blog: My heart sank. I felt physically ill. Like, actually nauseated. I had Jess and Joshy hold my hands because I was struggling to understand what my body was doing, I thought it might be panic attack since I've never had one. I imagined something like that would happen (though the person was a pleasant surprise) and I thought I'd be totally fine. But I was shaking? And my breathing was strained and my heart was about to leap out of my body it was beating so fast. More than anything, from that point forward, I just reeeeaaallly wanted to vomit. That's the most dominant, vivid feeling from last night. I missed a whole scene of the show 'cause I just wanted my body to calm down. Lots of people also felt the need to ask me if I saw and if I was okay. I was not. I was so so so SO indescribably not. Luckily I was sitting in front of Brandi who is the ONLY person Nick tells things to, so I asked her. And she's a good friend so she said nothing, which is basically a yes haha. And I tried to say nothing because if he doesn't want people to know, then I'm not about to announce it to the world. But people saw for themselves so I didn't have to say anything. I heard from someone else they were most likely just hooking up but I doubt it if they're holding hands in public and leaving together. (SLASH I'd rather they date because then that means two people I adore will be happy together and I can be happy for them). I wanted to go home, but forced myself to make the most of the next few hours with people I rarely get to see. Gabe drove Margie home and then dropped me off. Jen S. showed me love. Joshy, Jess, and Margie all texted me goodnight to show support and love and apologize for my icky experience. I thanked them. Proceeded to vent to Margie so the other two could sleep (though they totally would've stayed up). Michael texted me his usual goodnight message and I unleashed EVERYTHING onto him (partially cause you & Jonathan were not available, you know I'd always go to you first for anything, and also Michael listens well). Margie stayed up with me for a few hours. Michael did until I fell asleep at 4am. From the moment I got home to 4am it was consistent crying, wondering if I should force myself to throw up, re-seeing them together, imagining the things we used to do with her replacing me (be it more intimate stuff or just the sweet and simple moments that I honestly preferred), and yelling at myself. First, I was yelling because I was being so whiny and pathetic over a 2 month relationship that ended 7 months ago and a guy who had made zero effort to be an active part of my life since then, I SHOULD'VE moved on by now. Around 2:30, I was yelling because I realized I'd been with other people between the breakup and now, so I felt hypocritical and idiotic because of course he would do the same thing and I had absolutely no right to feel as hurt as I was if it was only natural for people to seek other people. I was angry at myself for being so dramatic and pathetic, though in my defense I might've handled things better if my BODY didn't react to my intense emotion by MAKING MY STOMACH DO FLIPS UNTIL 4AM. I went to bed wanting love and text conversations from people but not wanting to SEE anyone, which is weird because I always thrive on physical contact and affection when I'm down. I woke up sans nausea, with no desire to see anyone. I didn't want to go to church, which usually means I need to go. Despite my hoping that I wouldn't have to be told what I already knew somwhere in my heart, the lessons at church today were very spot on and hit home, basically reminding me that God's doing this for a reason and, as we knew back during the breakup, it's better this way, especially for me in the long term. It became evident that this was what God knew I needed and that He made my next steps very obvious, and that my entire body wanted to reject those instructions with everything it had. Despite the fact that without the girl, not a single thing would've been different anyway, this hurt beyond belief, and NOW it was to the point that God was speaking to me and I actively did not want to listen. I didn't participate in Santa Cena, a big deal for me, because I knew my heart was not in the right place and God deserved better than that, and I'd have to work on myself before I could participate again. I cried during service three times. Not loudly, but profusely. And NO ONE in my row had tissues haha. We went home and I put on PJs and shut myself up in my room. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but lie in bed, maybe distract myself with shows. The last time I cried over a boy and felt that crappy at church, you showed up at my door. I knew I was on my own for this one.

I spent 23 hours moping and whining and sobbing and miserable. My 23 "woe-is-me" hours. In those hours, people checked in on me. The reaction to what happened seemed to be the same across the board. The new couple, or whatever you want to call them, was shocking. Totally out of nowhere (unsurprising, they're not very public people. I'm the only one who blogs about her personal life for all two people to keep up with). They were shocked, but still excited. The pair made sense and they are both wonderful humans who have the potential to make each other so happy, and they both deserve to be happy. But everyone was worried about me. I was the ONLY REASON this news wasn't obvious good news. And that doesn't fly with me. That is NOT acceptable. I REFUSE to be the reason people can't have joy. No. Done. In the 24th hour since finding out, I got out of bed, demolished my workout after having weeks of really crappy ones, and got ready to watch my FAVORITE band kill it at the Grammys. No more moping. And this isn't like "I'm gonna do my best to get over it and fight through the pain". No, I'm genuinely good. I'm happy. That realization was the wake up call I needed. Deuces to a dead end relationship! I'm so effing happy for these kids. They have to be so stinkin cute together. Hey, even if it's not serious and they're just fooling around, congrats homegirl is in for a good time, I can vouch for that. This is it! This is the moment I move on with my life. 

Now we're on a whole new 24 hours. I feel like I can breathe again. To say the thought of missing that relationship is completely gone is a lie. But in the past seven months, it would occupy maybe 40-70% of my brain space on any given day. I have to say I'm at a solid 15%. This is day one so who knows if I'll continue to get better but I'm pretty confident about it, not gonna lie. God is so good! He provided the words I didn't want but NEEDED to hear. Last night was Him helping me out, and I knew it but it didn't feel like a good thing. Now it does. God heard me shout up and down about how I want to keep moving forward, but I was standing still. So he gave me a pretty intense push, and now I'm running forward. I'm not running to another relationship or to some random goal. This isn't like "success will be the best revenge" where I show Nick up by doing better. No, bump that, literally who has time to care about all that? I'm just running because I'm excited. I have zero clue where I'm going. But God's marked the path so I'll just follow that and see where it leads. I'm happy and I want everyone else to be happy. For me. For them. For whatever the future holds. Because even the tough spots do good eventually. I am ALL about giving people time to grieve. I took my 24 hours. Now I'm done wasting time. Upward and onward to a better me, whatever that means!

I'm grateful for a BRILLIANT day yesterday. I'm grateful for a place to call home. I'm grateful for a new form of closure. I'm grateful for personal movement in my journey. I'm grateful for every single person who continues to show me love and support that I can't even fathom. God is good, and He knows what He is doing. No one will EVER convince me otherwise.

This Too Shall Pass

I've been avoiding writing in the blog about things or mentioning them in our conversations because I like to write them all in our letters. It's therapeutic for me. But it's come to the point where the past however many months have been far too eventful and I can't wait to say things. I miss everyone and everything.

Karla has been saying this to me recently. It's mostly about my driving anxiety and my hurt over Nick. I'm actually kinda grateful to my anxiety actually. It was the first time all day that I didn't think about Nick, or my conversation with Jonathan, or my crippling loneliness. I feel like that's the right term, considering how slowly I worked and how many times I actually almost cried today. Like, wow, weird, very unlike me to do that in a professional space. But hey, maybe this is why people drive to clear their mind. I was so focused on the road, I didn't have space in my mind to think about anyone else.

Maybe a major part of why the Nick thing still hurts so much is because I'm sitting here saying I haven't hurt this bad since you or Jonathan. Which, that pain was hard. Like, wow when I think back to the day I got your journal, or the day Jonathan told me about Samie? Wow. It hurts to breathe. And sometimes Nick feels like that, and I think how could I ever get over something like that??

But I remember Angner. I was 13 and I swore that I wouldn't feel like that about anyone else. I spent over a year thinking about him and the stupid things we did, and I could not go a single day without imagining it and regretting it and being so ashamed. And one day I stopped. I got over it and never looked back, except to remind me of dangers. This too shall pass.

I remember Ethan. And wow what a mess that was, I don't think I'll ever recall that without laughing at myself. I made SUCH mistakes and fell SO HARD because let's face it I'm insane and boy crazy and getting me to fall for someone is apparently not all that difficult. I was crazy about this kid! And I said my goodbyes and did what I thought was best for two months, until Heidi helped me figure my life out, I called the kid, we finally spoke, and got the most beautiful closure ever. There were times within the past year that I missed him and I missed that attention and how easy it all felt. But even those fleeting moments went away completely eventually. This too shall pass.

And so this jealousy over Jonathan? It needs to pass. This CONSTANT AND UNAVOIDABLE longing for Nick? It needs to pass. Regardless of whether or not I get the kind of straight forward closure that Ethan gave me. I know who I am as a person. I know that I will never be put through a trial that I cannot face. I know that I made certain decisions in my life because that is what I need and what is best for me. I know that this is hard and my tears are not done yet and I'm going to have to go through at least one more conversation about Stephanie, or whatever other girl who is probably also at McDaniel (because yes, let's continue to make it harder for me to go home), and at least one more day without a goodnight text from Nick before it doesn't hurt. Eventually I will see Jonathan, Nick, and you all with someone who you love and it won't be me. But eventually, the pain shall pass. Today was the slap in the face I needed to realize that. I don't know that I want these things to end. I think a massive part of me is still waiting for the day that Nick calls me first and we can talk for hours again. And I don't know WHEN they will end, considering Jonathan has held my heart for about nine years now, and Nick has done so with what feels like a MUCH tighter grip, despite us only really talking for two months. But everything comes to an end. And, in order for me to regain my sanity and my strength, I have to believe that I am better because of these things. And I have to remind myself, over and over, no matter how many times it takes, that this too shall pass.

We're Crying and We're Still Flawless

Today has been quite difficult for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes, when that happens, all you need to do is sit in your room and cry. I hadn't done that. I don't know if I would've let myself do that. But Twin, wonderful amazing Twin, let me just vent and talk to him. And cry. And we both cried 'cause we both have a lot on our plates. And it was so lovely just to be surrounded by that love at just the right time. And then have him to laugh with right after. Yay Twin. I also am super grateful that Jess was at dinner tonight and I got to just enjoy her beautiful company, and also that Brandon has been beyond kind and gives great hugs even though he has no need to be so supportive. Just yay people.

Apologies & Thanks

Some days. Rarely. Once in a blue moon. There are bad days. Rough things happen and it's hard to really be optimistic. That doesn't mean every moment is awful. Not by a long shot. But even so, it's hard to remember the good. In those days when you've gotten your heart broken. When you lose a job. Money troubles can be scary. The death of a loved one, or even someone you didn't know personally but really admired, can be devestating.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I'm sorry I did not take the time to write. I had been doing so well too. Almost a full week of blogging daily. But I slipped due to an overwhelming sadness. Still, I am thankful for the love and support I received yesterday. People willing to cheer me up and be understanding of my situation as well as others who shared my feelings reminding me that I was not alone and they were for me as I am there for them. Community is important. I'm blessed to be a part of such a great one.

Rest in Peace, Monty Oum

Lipstick

"You looked so pretty last night. Like so pretty. I just really like you in red lipstick. I dunno. Just you in red lipstick. I like it. I'm going to get you some for your birthday. And something else. But red lipstick for your birthday." - Sara Connolly

This week hasn't been easy. I've felt pretty miserable. But you know what? I had to put that aside for a few hours every night. I put it aside and did what was best for the show. I smiled and collected tickets and showed people where the bathroom was and took them on the service elevator and sold chocolates and cleaned the theatre and told everyone how wonderfully they were doing. And I smiled! Even if my role wasn't so important, I pulled myself together and did the best I could for it. And, honestly, I looked fabulous doing it.

Hot Chocolate

Reason 60: Crappy days happen. I had one today. Don't know why. But especially after rehearsal, I'm in a bad mood. And then I walk in here and my dear friend Sara has white hot chocolate waiting for me. The joys in life.

This is one of my favorite Christmas movies. I'm excited for any and all holidays.