24 Hours

Dear Samantha,

Maybe write in this thing more than once a month? Just a thought

So I sent you a NOVEL this morning. And it's been an eventful day since. I know you're not the only person who reads this (as much as I like pretending this is our safe space), so context is necessary. Sorry for the repetition haha.

I went to McDaniel yesterday. I had an ABSOLUTE BLAST. Gabe and I went to brunch at Silver Diner because I'm predictable consistent. We picked up Margie at the metro station and rode our way to Westminster (shout out to Gabe for being a gem and driving us back and forth omg). We hung out in my favorite building. I showed her around and teared up when I stepped on stage. People came to love on us, including the bae herself, Jess Mies. We hung out in the greenroom, served tea, ate Buffalo Wild Wings, reminisced on old quotes from the quote wall, and had the most amazing time. It was much needed and it felt like home. I COMPLETELY forgot to take a birthday squad picture so I could tag you and Jonathan cause I miss you both. Will remember for next visit.

As per usual I tried to make plans with Nick, this time specifically for his birthday, and as per usual they fell through. I'm honestly not surprised nor disappointed 'cause it was still a great day haha. I saw him at the show later that night, which was a fantastic show by the by, and noticed who he walked in with, but didn't think much of it. He and I chatted and it was nice to give him a big birthday hug. It wasn't until the actor walked into the audience that we turned around and EVERYONE in the first two rows saw him holding hands with this girl. This girl who I absolutely adore and can absolutely do no wrong, by the way, please don't start hating just in my defense haha.

Here's the negative part of the blog post on my positivity blog: My heart sank. I felt physically ill. Like, actually nauseated. I had Jess and Joshy hold my hands because I was struggling to understand what my body was doing, I thought it might be panic attack since I've never had one. I imagined something like that would happen (though the person was a pleasant surprise) and I thought I'd be totally fine. But I was shaking? And my breathing was strained and my heart was about to leap out of my body it was beating so fast. More than anything, from that point forward, I just reeeeaaallly wanted to vomit. That's the most dominant, vivid feeling from last night. I missed a whole scene of the show 'cause I just wanted my body to calm down. Lots of people also felt the need to ask me if I saw and if I was okay. I was not. I was so so so SO indescribably not. Luckily I was sitting in front of Brandi who is the ONLY person Nick tells things to, so I asked her. And she's a good friend so she said nothing, which is basically a yes haha. And I tried to say nothing because if he doesn't want people to know, then I'm not about to announce it to the world. But people saw for themselves so I didn't have to say anything. I heard from someone else they were most likely just hooking up but I doubt it if they're holding hands in public and leaving together. (SLASH I'd rather they date because then that means two people I adore will be happy together and I can be happy for them). I wanted to go home, but forced myself to make the most of the next few hours with people I rarely get to see. Gabe drove Margie home and then dropped me off. Jen S. showed me love. Joshy, Jess, and Margie all texted me goodnight to show support and love and apologize for my icky experience. I thanked them. Proceeded to vent to Margie so the other two could sleep (though they totally would've stayed up). Michael texted me his usual goodnight message and I unleashed EVERYTHING onto him (partially cause you & Jonathan were not available, you know I'd always go to you first for anything, and also Michael listens well). Margie stayed up with me for a few hours. Michael did until I fell asleep at 4am. From the moment I got home to 4am it was consistent crying, wondering if I should force myself to throw up, re-seeing them together, imagining the things we used to do with her replacing me (be it more intimate stuff or just the sweet and simple moments that I honestly preferred), and yelling at myself. First, I was yelling because I was being so whiny and pathetic over a 2 month relationship that ended 7 months ago and a guy who had made zero effort to be an active part of my life since then, I SHOULD'VE moved on by now. Around 2:30, I was yelling because I realized I'd been with other people between the breakup and now, so I felt hypocritical and idiotic because of course he would do the same thing and I had absolutely no right to feel as hurt as I was if it was only natural for people to seek other people. I was angry at myself for being so dramatic and pathetic, though in my defense I might've handled things better if my BODY didn't react to my intense emotion by MAKING MY STOMACH DO FLIPS UNTIL 4AM. I went to bed wanting love and text conversations from people but not wanting to SEE anyone, which is weird because I always thrive on physical contact and affection when I'm down. I woke up sans nausea, with no desire to see anyone. I didn't want to go to church, which usually means I need to go. Despite my hoping that I wouldn't have to be told what I already knew somwhere in my heart, the lessons at church today were very spot on and hit home, basically reminding me that God's doing this for a reason and, as we knew back during the breakup, it's better this way, especially for me in the long term. It became evident that this was what God knew I needed and that He made my next steps very obvious, and that my entire body wanted to reject those instructions with everything it had. Despite the fact that without the girl, not a single thing would've been different anyway, this hurt beyond belief, and NOW it was to the point that God was speaking to me and I actively did not want to listen. I didn't participate in Santa Cena, a big deal for me, because I knew my heart was not in the right place and God deserved better than that, and I'd have to work on myself before I could participate again. I cried during service three times. Not loudly, but profusely. And NO ONE in my row had tissues haha. We went home and I put on PJs and shut myself up in my room. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but lie in bed, maybe distract myself with shows. The last time I cried over a boy and felt that crappy at church, you showed up at my door. I knew I was on my own for this one.

I spent 23 hours moping and whining and sobbing and miserable. My 23 "woe-is-me" hours. In those hours, people checked in on me. The reaction to what happened seemed to be the same across the board. The new couple, or whatever you want to call them, was shocking. Totally out of nowhere (unsurprising, they're not very public people. I'm the only one who blogs about her personal life for all two people to keep up with). They were shocked, but still excited. The pair made sense and they are both wonderful humans who have the potential to make each other so happy, and they both deserve to be happy. But everyone was worried about me. I was the ONLY REASON this news wasn't obvious good news. And that doesn't fly with me. That is NOT acceptable. I REFUSE to be the reason people can't have joy. No. Done. In the 24th hour since finding out, I got out of bed, demolished my workout after having weeks of really crappy ones, and got ready to watch my FAVORITE band kill it at the Grammys. No more moping. And this isn't like "I'm gonna do my best to get over it and fight through the pain". No, I'm genuinely good. I'm happy. That realization was the wake up call I needed. Deuces to a dead end relationship! I'm so effing happy for these kids. They have to be so stinkin cute together. Hey, even if it's not serious and they're just fooling around, congrats homegirl is in for a good time, I can vouch for that. This is it! This is the moment I move on with my life. 

Now we're on a whole new 24 hours. I feel like I can breathe again. To say the thought of missing that relationship is completely gone is a lie. But in the past seven months, it would occupy maybe 40-70% of my brain space on any given day. I have to say I'm at a solid 15%. This is day one so who knows if I'll continue to get better but I'm pretty confident about it, not gonna lie. God is so good! He provided the words I didn't want but NEEDED to hear. Last night was Him helping me out, and I knew it but it didn't feel like a good thing. Now it does. God heard me shout up and down about how I want to keep moving forward, but I was standing still. So he gave me a pretty intense push, and now I'm running forward. I'm not running to another relationship or to some random goal. This isn't like "success will be the best revenge" where I show Nick up by doing better. No, bump that, literally who has time to care about all that? I'm just running because I'm excited. I have zero clue where I'm going. But God's marked the path so I'll just follow that and see where it leads. I'm happy and I want everyone else to be happy. For me. For them. For whatever the future holds. Because even the tough spots do good eventually. I am ALL about giving people time to grieve. I took my 24 hours. Now I'm done wasting time. Upward and onward to a better me, whatever that means!

I'm grateful for a BRILLIANT day yesterday. I'm grateful for a place to call home. I'm grateful for a new form of closure. I'm grateful for personal movement in my journey. I'm grateful for every single person who continues to show me love and support that I can't even fathom. God is good, and He knows what He is doing. No one will EVER convince me otherwise.

Straight Up

My church talks about evangelizing a lot. And it's important. And it's something we should do more often. My church goes on Saturdays into Silver Spring to talk to others about God. I never go. I have a million excuses not to go. The biggest one being that I don't think it's my thing. I'm not really good at it. It's hard to find the words. I'm so scared I'll somehow mess up and there goes my chance to win souls for the Lord. It's just not where my gifts lie.

These past few weeks, we have had a few guest pastors staying with us. It has been amazing. Truly, never in my life have I felt so connected to the word in my own church. It's a crazy new wonderful feeling. Tonight, Pastor Julio Serrenil talked to us about his specialty: evangelism. And the very first thing he told us was that it is not a gift, it is a commandment. And it's right in the book of Matthew. God calls on us to spread His word. And there is no reason for me not to. Maybe I'm not great at it but I have to try. It's what God wants. And I heard the right words to remind me of that.

Day 11: Deep

Because what's more profound than the Lord's word, right?

Through God Who Strengthens Me

Major Accomplishments That Have Been Made Possible By The Lord (inspired by Graeme)

• I have been Stage Mom for two years, and I have helped many people within Alpha Psi
• I am able to show my Little just how much she means to me and be there for her
• I run this blog to remind myself and others of the joy that can be found in this world
• Despite my fear, I have been a pretty great Aunt to Cristina
• I was in a seven year toxic relationship and I got out

MAJOR. Accomplishments. I do not know if I can stress how difficult these have been. But I did it. And it is not based on my wavering strength, but on the consistent unstoppable strength of God. He was with me then. And He will continue to be with me through my troubles. Through the struggles of project stress. Through my journey for self-love. Through this trial of making the right decisions and mending my heart after experiencing loss. All of it. I've just got to take one more step. And after all those steps I have already taken, with God by my side, one more step seems possible.

Learn As You Go

Sometimes people teach you. Sometimes they have the best intentions at heart. Sometimes they study and read and listen and observe and learn on their own. And, in order to make you better, sometimes they share what they have learned with you. And sometimes, they're wrong.

How nice to finally have enough sense to know that they are wrong. That they tried. That you shouldn't hold it against them. And that in reality you should thank them because they equipped you with the tools to go and seek the truth for yourself.

Decision Makin Is Hard

Guidance Helps.

Sometimes I get upset with my church. Usually it's because they say or do something dumb. Like seriously, I love them and they are such a great support in my life. But every now and again they say something really offensive or, sorry to say, they're just wrong about whatever it is they're talking about. It's happened before and I'm sure, bless their hearts, it will happen again. But this wasn't one of those times.

I was annoyed and a little angry at today's lesson. But let me be clear. It was anger and annoyance at myself because I knew they were right. They were so right. And I wanted so badly to ignore them and keep on living in blissful ignorance. But the world doesn't work like that. And I'm so glad they reminded me of where I need to be heading because I'm going to be so much better off for it. Seriously, this is going to be a positive change. Always good to know you're not alone.

To The Place Where I Belong

First off, we need to talk about the S.T.A.G.E blog. Precious babies are enjoying their wonderful time in Edinburgh. I'm jelly. But also super happy for them. Reading the entries gives me joy. Partially because I'm seeing all these pictures and thinking I WENT THERE! I'VE NEVER SAID THAT BEFORE OMG. I CAN ACTUALLY SAY I'VE BEEN THERE. And mostly because this is an INSANE experience and I'm hoping that they love it and learn a lot from it. It's good for them.

Speaking of good for you. ONTO AUGUST BLOGGING!

Day 1:

• Bless these people, they really do not understand how to travel. We're so inefficient. It's so cute.
• A conversation plane ride and I'm wide awake!
• California weather is hot but oh so nice. The breeze feels lovely and there's no humidity!
• West Coast Baptist College has a beautiful campus. Not necessarily the place for me, BUT it was so nice and everyone was very sweet and accommodating.
• We caught a glimpse of Lancaster Baptist Church's Vacation Bible School and man did these guys go all out! Shows what can really be done when people put forth the effort (and money).

Day 2:

• Evangelizing! Honestly, I don't think that's where my gifts lie. But it was good to do it all the same. Especially knowing that someone's heart actually was touched and we helped someone get through a hard time. We also had some pretty AWESOME guides. 
• We had a tour of this place and it really was nice. Again, not the place for me, but anywhere is more likely to have better music resources than McDaniel. I can see why other people would certainly be very happy here. I'm glad I came because I've now seen Angelique in this environment and know that she will definitely benefit from this school.
• Also really glad that this has the little ones thinking about college. As I predicted, tour guide called me out on asking all the big questions. Good. I made the kids pay attention. And most of them seemed to decide that this was not the place for them BUT they certainly have an idea of what to look for. I've planted a seed. Hallelu!

Day 3:

• BEACH. Mind you, I don't love the beach. At all. Far from it. But the weather was so nice and the view was pretty sweet and these people just had my laughing the whole time. 
• Service. I learned to plant a seed and shine my light. I think everyone who goes to church hears this once in a while. I can't describe it or reiterate it as the guest pastor did. But his personal experiences and stories, as well as his wording and evident love and kindness just touched me. It made it obvious to me how much my testimony and the impression I leave really mean. We even got to speak to him and his beautiful wife afterwards. I seriously love how kind people here are.
• More kindness. We found an old friend of Hermana Delmi's after the service. He and his wife were lovely and funny and automatically showed us so much kindness. They even invited us to dinner at In n Out Burger! It's a thing. I've finally tried it. Check that off the list.

 Day 4:

• Six Flags all day
• We actually did have a lot of fun. Again. Not so much because of the activity. It really was just because of the people I shared the day with.
• I took a picture with Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and Foghorn Leghorn!
• So much Harley Quinn and Superman stuff everywhere. I was a happy girl.

Day 5:

• We're still really bad at this airport thing. But we have improved significantly.
• All our seats are separated. I am placed next to a kind older gentleman who is actually very funny. He talks to me about how much he hates So Cal and just prefers Virginia. How his family is from the city, and how he left his parent's home at a very early age (as opposed to kids from our group), and now he and his wife live in the country! We spoke about food, tourism, attractions, his daughter, and college. It was very pleasant.
• Right as the plane started moving, a stewardess explained to me that some girl near the front was very distraught about her seating arrangements and was hoping to trade seats with me (I'm assuming it had something to do with family). So instead of being alone in the 22nd row, I was alone in the 8th row. This time, however, I was sitting in Economy Plus. More leg room! 'Cause I totally need that, right? Haha. I also sat between two pregnant women who were both very sweet and would joke every now and again with each other. Overall, I'm hapyp witht he flight. Didn't sleep so I'm exhausted. But I'm happy.
• Now I'm home. And I'm so so so so so glad of it. (Also. Finally saw new RWBY episode. SO GOOD)

Every day all the time:

• Very personal moments with these wonderful people. Moments that helped me learn where the people I cared about were in their lives. Stories about our pasts. Jokes about the future. Absolutely idiotic moments. Advice and prayer. And so much understanding. And an overarching feeling of love that I truly needed.
• Parodies of all kinds of songs
• Jokes about Joshua trees