Communion

 I stopped writing in this blog so long ago. I'm rereading some of the things I wrote at 18 and I'm mortified at who I was and how my mind worked. I didn't stop writing because of embarrassment. I stopped because this used to be a special, safe place for my friends and me. When my friends were no longer there, it no longer felt like a safe place to write or vent or share. I learned to give thanks and enjoy life in private pages, using journals and diaries the way most people should when they're working out their thoughts. And then I'd remind myself not to use my public twitter profile as a private diary. I thought about resurrecting the blog a few times, but never felt comfortable reminding myself of what I've lost. Which is a shame because I had just redesigned the page (what is this font? It's not easy to read haha). I was thinking about how this "one-year" experiment shaped the person I am today, and how my college years are recorded through each post. Even now, it feels like I've outgrown this page. But I suddenly have a lot to say, and this time I want to share it, so here I am.

I grew up listening to hymns all my life. Almost exclusively in Spanish. Despite being fluent, I won't pretend I really understood what I was singing. In middle school, I started listening to contemporary Christian music. Pop songs (some rock songs? Really a whole lot of secretly country songs) about God that were meant for a modern audience, played on a listener-funded station, and some of my first examples of personal relationships with Jesus. These songs made me feel more connected to God than being in church did for a long time. Fast-forward to 2020. I'm attending Highlight Church. I recognize some songs they play from the radio, but most of them are new. It's a different level of emotion and vulnerability that I'm not used to, and I cry just about every time. I'm not used to losing myself like that while I sing for God. But somehow, I am asked to join the worship team. I learn very quickly that I don't know that much about worship music, and that my knowledge of artists is extremely limited. I try to learn quickly by looking up playlists on Spotify between rehearsing songs for Sundays. Some combination of my love of art, my growing faith, and my increased availability for God led me to sing in a way I never had before. I had (and have) a lot to learn, but it was like something unlocked in me when I heard what real worship was, and I wanted to help others know that feeling, too. The song that made fall in love with worshipping God was Communion.

They hadn't performed it at church - at least not since I started attending. I'd only heard the recording. And I remember thinking 14 minutes was an excessive amount of time for a song. But I couldn't stop playing it. The music was gorgeous. The different voices coming together and genuinely praising with everything they felt moved me to tears and made me wish I could feel the love that was in that room. The ongoing ad libs made it so much more personal to me, to think that it wasn't about perfect execution or what would sound the most impressive, but just the Holy Spirit stirring in someone so greatly that they have to sing it out right then and there. And because He is present with them all in that moment, it all blends together so beautifully.

The lyrics will always get me. The chorus starts, "You are closer, closer than my skin. You are in the air I'm breathing in." You can hear that God is with you a million times, but actually feeling His presence is a whole new level. I regarded Him as a distant guardian for such a long time. I knew exactly what they meant with this lyric because inviting Him to be part of my every day life and my emotions and my thoughts allowed Him to actually feel as close as He had always been.

But then we get to the next part of the chorus. "Here's where the dead things come back to living. I feel my heart beating again. It feels so good to know you are my friend." Things weren't as scary anymore. I wasn't as lonely anymore. I had guidelines AND grace to mess up once in a while. I loved myself more. I was energized and motivated and more hopeful than I had ever been. I forgave myself for so many things. Getting closer to God helped me enjoy life in a way that I missed out on for far too long. Before then, there were times I had no desire to live, and I still convinced myself it wasn't a big deal because at least I wasn't going to do anything about it so it didn't matter if I was numb and indifferent and hopeless. And now suddenly there was light in the darkest places and support when I was weak. More accurately, I could finally see and appreciate the light and support that had always been there. It turned me into the obnoxious, overly-optimistic, preachy friend I am now haha. And I like myself a lot more this way. This song so brilliantly captured what my transformation felt like. It was too spot on.

The bridge says, "This is where I'm meant to be. Me and you, and you and me. I don't have to prove a thing. You've already approved of me". Imagine telling yourself for YEARS that you weren't good enough. For God, for people, for opportunities, for whatever else. And then to be told I don't have to prove anything because He loves me as I am and He sees greatness in me. I can't sing these words without getting tears in my eyes. This knowledge changed my life and I know it has the power to do the same for others. And when I think about other people who have been struggling finally knowing that they are loved as they are, and I envision their chains breaking, my heart soars. The repeated line "I didn't know I could have a friend like you" brings me so much gratitude. I think about the kind of friend He is. And how someone like that loves someone like me beyond measure. I think of how He has loved me and shown me that love. Geez. It's overwhelming. 

At the end of the song, the group continues recording. They start to sing an older hymn that I had never heard growing up! And they go right back into Communion. Repeating "Here's where the dead things come back to living. I feel my heart beating again." And the lead in this section ad libs, "I'm not numb anymore." I shouldn't have to tell you what those words mean to me. It's so powerful.

ALL THIS long review to say. When I finally heard our musical director and vocalists singing this song at our Flourishing women's brunch this month, I was a puddle of tears. Again, this song hadn't been in our rotation since I joined, so it completely shocked me to hear people I've grown to love sing these words with me. I started on this team as very reserved worshipper - standing still and hoping nobody saw me tearing up. On that morning, I was down on my knees bawling. It was exactly what I needed to hear after a hard week, and having one of my leaders come pray over me only made my heart burst more. AND THEN. To be told I would get to sing it with the team this past Sunday? I was over the moon. I didn't know if this song was familiar to our church yet, but I knew someone would be blessed by it and I just had to share it with them. I told some friends to tune in because I'd be singing my favorite worship song, and of course they couldn't because of the time change and their own services and being busy and whatever else. Which was disappointing, but it was fine because I had my own church home with which to grow and sing and cry. And I say it was fine because I couldn't know what impact they did or didn't feel, but I felt like it was a good experience for everyone. 

This morning, I log onto my socials and see all kinds of posts about worship yesterday. Let's not even pretend they're talking about us. My team is amazing, but this is not to glorify Highlight Worship. They're talking about Communion. They're telling their testimonies and sharing what that song means to them. They're talking about how special that song is and how the words tell their own story. It's another thing I share in common and get to celebrate with my church family. Every time someone mentioned it, I got the biggest smile on my face.

Our church is doing a series called "An Amazing House with a Beautiful Garden". It's about a healthy local church: what makes one and why it's important to have one. Not a perfect church! Those aren't real. But a healthy one. It makes me want to sing the praises of my leaders and teams because I know I'm finally in the healthy church I had been looking for most of my life. But it also reminds me that I am now a part of this environment and I contribute to the soil here. I play a part in making sure that it IS a healthy church, and that anyone who gets planted here gets what they need to grow. Communion is a story for so many people, and if we continue to operate in excellence, we can see it happen for so many more.

The nice thing about writing in the blog is that typing is faster than writing in a journal haha. But I don't think Smilation is coming out of retirement any time soon. I just needed to get some thoughts out. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Let me know what you think of the song, or if you have a piece of art that impacts you. I'd love to hear I'm not just talking to myself! Either way, I'm going to carry this good mood with me for as long as I can.

A Much Needed Talk

So I had some pretty terrible cramps this morning. I was awake, pacing, for two hours. Ouch pain. But talking with God and listening to hymns actually always helps. So I prayed. A lot. About so many things. And it felt incredible. Honestly, I just need to make more time for Him. I mean we all do, and that's a given. But when I actually do it, it becomes so much more evident how healing and impactful the experience is.

We went to Karla's church today and there was such a beautiful message. The assistant pastor did a great job at being relatable and fun, but still so meaningful. It felt like a conversation. And one that I think many of us needed to hear. You can hear the same message a million times over, but sometimes you need to hear it in the right words. I want to share it with everyone. I just might!

July 21-23

When my mom went to the hospital, I thought it was a sure thing that we would no longer be going on the church retreat the following weekend. But my mom and sister both assured me that it would be no trouble, and that that's why Karla was here anyway. So I went and I stayed with my friend Jenny. It worked out 'cause my mom honestly didn't want to go in the first place.

I had a really good time. We had a guest pastor who gave some incredibly edifying sermons - I'm a fan of his preaching. I got to pray with the youth group which helped me feel much more at ease. We all spent a lot of time together and got to share the stories we'd been holding back for a while. We laughed a lot. We ate Buffalo Wild Wings. We stayed up til 3 in the morning. It was actually an incredibly relaxing weekend. The camp is always so pretty and everyone feels at home there. And some things were pretty strict compared to previous years, but others were not. No mandatory morning devotional! No curfew! We had so much more time to do what we wanted with our friends in a place where w all felt safe. It's hard to describe. I'm just really glad I went. And since my mom wasn't there, I had lots of people looking after me. I'm always grateful for their care. Plus, what better place to celebrate my 11th anniversary of my baptism but in the very place it happened?

Video to come soon, hopefully!

July 15-20

I really don't write in here enough

I've been kinda worried about the month of July. I knew I'd be busy. I didn't think I'd be busy enough to distract myself from the fact that July 17th would be one year since the crappiest homecoming and the crappiest phone call ever. And yeah. It was on my mind. But I was wrong. I was very very busy. And it's going to be blogged about in parts. And on different days because I'm lazy.

The first part is the easy one. Long story short, mommy wasn't feeling well so she decided to go to the hospital and get some meds. Turned out to be a minor skin infection and at no point was it terrifyingly serious, but she did have a ten minute surgery and she was given lots of antibiotics that kept her in the hospital a total of three nights. We knew she would be okay. But I'll admit, sleeping in an empty house is a lot less fun when the reason is because your mom is in pain. It was a tough time for her. But I'm grateful.

I'm glad we found the infection when we did, and that a quick surgery was all it took for my mom to feel some relief. I'm glad my mom was actually willing to go in the first place, since usually it's a big argument. I'm glad that Nestor stepped up as my knight in shining armor and drove all the way to my house just so he could give me a ride to the hospital so I could drop blankets and toiletries off to my mom - even though it was close to midnight. I'm glad that her coworkers, our family, family friends, church members, and even my friends who didn't know her gave an outpouring of support - it warmed her heart and actually really got me through the icky, lonely period. I'm mostly glad that when I felt alone and scared and stressed, Karla knew that her mom needed her and that she would be of more help than someone stressed about missing work could hope to be. Karla, along with her whole family, drove up from North Carolina and stayed with us for the week. It was probably the best surprise my mother could have asked for. And the immediate relief I felt once I had my big sister there was beyond expression. It was the part of the movie where the music changes and you hear the theater audience collectively breathe because the tension is gone and things are definitely going to be okay now. I can't thank the Bowens enough for being willing to make the trip.

Mommy is feeling a million times better now and life resumes as normal. We are a very blessed family to have a God and a community looking out for us at all times.

December Catch-up

Wow. Have I really not written on here in almost a month? Yeah, I've been busy. But that's unacceptable. Let's get so some smiles

• It's Christmas. Like I know it's not yet, but it's Christmas. And there's pretty lights everywhere and all these fun decorations and outfits and the radio has Christmas music and people are in such a cheerful mood. Yay holidays!
• We keep getting all this amazing food brought to the office. Blessings galore.
• I miss McDaniel and Dog Party and Holiday Cabaret and all those fun things. But it's nice to see everyone else enjoy them and have a whole new generation take part. Plus, Torreke and Veronica danced to Howl's Moving Castle score and I'm still not over it.
• I had my last therapy session on the 9th. I was told that I could always count on my therapist as a resource if I ever needed it, but that I'd gotten to a good place and made a lot of progress in a short time, so I don't need regularly scheduled appointments anymore. I've gotten my anxiety to a manageable place.
• I had a birthday! With lots of fun gifts! And delicious foods. But mostly, with my favorite people. Cutting a cake with my immediate family was honestly so nice. My niece always manages to put a big smile on my face. She even prayed for our dinner and for my birthday. I was a very happy aunt. And the next week, I had a bigger dinner with some close friends. Seeing them was such a treat, but seeing them all get along and become fast friends is truly the greatest gift I ever could have asked for.
• I had a lovely brunch with Jim Dyson, only my favorite alumn ever! We caught up and talked life after McDaniel and RWBY fan theories. He's such a good person and I had a blast. Can't go wrong with Silver Diner!
• I've been able to talk to Nick a lot more. The kid has a life, and finals affect everyone differently, so I am still sad that I didn't get to see him for my birthday, but I refuse to hold a grudge or let that get to my energy. I'm just glad we're talking somewhat regularly again. I'm very happy to have him in my life.
• Michael is such a great friend. He's just so supportive and kind and understanding. I am glad that we've always gotten along so well.
• Hairspray Live happened. It may not have been the greatest thing ever but I had fun and it brought back some sweet memories.
• Pentatonix had their own Christmas special oh my goodness I am way too proud of them.
• I got to see Eric! We had a mini-birthday celebration for the both of us. I need that boy in my life more, seriously, he's a gem and I miss him.
• Brookside Gardens twice. I never ever ever get tired of that place. It's so beautiful and magical and happy. It reminds me of childhood, and it's so fun to walk through, even if it is cold haha.
• Ugly sweater party at church! Even if I didn't win, everyone looked so cute and it's nice to be silly with the youth group every once in a while.
• Christmas party at work was awesome. Exhausting and kinda expensive on my end, haha. But awesome. People are still telling me how much they enjoyed the games, which is always nice to hear. And I just enjoyed some delicious food with people I am proud to call my co-workers. Everyone looked so good. And I got the most beautiful ornament from my boss' wife. There's no way on earth she knew how much I love angels. That's God at work right there.
• Have I mentioned how happy I am that you're here? I hope I have. Because I really am. I almost feel spoiled compared to the 8 years without you right by my side. I have no idea what I'll do when you leave. But I know it's not forever. And until then, I'm loving the mess out of having you in the states.
• There's more. There has to be more. It's been such a good time. I am so very blessed. Bad days happen and bumps get in the way but overall, I am grateful. I pray that the rest of the world be able to feel the love this holiday season. It's a scary time for so many out there, but none of us are alone. And there's always someone, somewhere willing to help in whatever way they can. So I'll do what I can to keep spreading that cheer. And to keep it going all the way into 2017!

9-18-16

Yesterday was Dia de las Naciones at church! It's a day where we all get to celebrate the lovely cultures of Latin America that fill our congregation, and talk about the missionary work going on and how we can be a part of it. I love this day because you get to see everyone dressed up in traditional attire from their countries. The little kids are always adorable and it's a beautiful array of colors. This year, we were joined by the Bowens! Poor Cristina was so bored during service haha but it always feels so good to have them there. I know lots of people were really excited to see Karla and to finally meet David. So many people wanted to hold him! I think people forget how uncomfortable babies can be when they're passed around too much, or how easy it is for them to get sick. It was still sweet though. And we had a huge lunch filled with lots of delicious foods from all our countries. It was good eatin' let me tell you. The ladies did a brilliant job. And then Jaroll, MVP of the day, played his trumpet during lunch. He played every single national anthem. Of course he started with the United States, the patriot he is. But he played all of them beautifully. They're not easy to play, believe me. Karla, my mom, and I belted the words to the Salvadorian anthem as he played. We're a proud people haha. Honestly, yesterday was so good. I'm glad we could have fun together.

Life is crazy and I'm so glad I'm a planner. I have two things planned in November that haven't been written down. But basically the rest of this month and every weekend in October is booked! Thank God for online editable calendars.

A Moment of "Finally"

Mandy went to church with us today! I'm so grateful this could finally happen. We'd been trying to plan this for forever. Not only was she finally able to attend a service at Covenant Life, but it's the first time we've seen each other all summer. It was much needed. I also texted Nick for a bit today. Which, admittedly, feels a little silly to blog about. But it's honestly so important to me.

I am the worst and I'm taking forever. Your letter is coming soon, I promise

Book of Kyle

Ok I think we can all agree that this conference was beautiful and it meant a lot to our congregation. Anyone who didn't take these three nights of messages and know in their heart and mind and soul that a change needs to be made has to have been actively ignoring this blessing. HOWEVER. Today, on what was quite a rough day, I needed a good laugh. And that, dear friends, came in the form of a young man named Kyle and his "unique" interpretation of the bible. Basically he turned the entire book into one big jumbled up mess of a story. And no one could stop laughing.

Day 29: BBQ

Who has barbecues on a Wednesday? Here's to the last dipping sauce of the youth conference.

6-27-16

We've never really shared time with another congregation before. But we, the youth group, drove up to Bowie and visited Woodlawn church for their annual youth conference. This is the first of three nights. It was wonderful to learn about God in a new environment from new voices. But WOW. Those words hit my heart so powerfully. I can't begin to explain the impact they had. Recently God has been screaming truth to me and today was a truth that applied in so many facets in my life that I absolutely cannot ignore it. I want to share the words I heard today with the world, because I know there's no way anyone can deny them. Today, I learned that there really is no place like home. I look forward to the next lesson.

Day 27 (late): Fruity

How Bath & Body Works gets all my money

The Word

Sweet and simple. Went to church today and smiled like crazy. Almost cried a little bit. Sang my heart out. Basically had everything I needed today. God saw my heart and how much I absolutely needed to get back to a good place. He saw me struggling. And when I told him I couldn't find my way, He gave me a map, a compass, a GPS, and guides. Getting it together.

Day 5: Five Things

Five new babies who joined the family over the course of my senior year.

Foodie Life

Few things are nicer than when you're hungry at work and someone brings in home cooked goodness. I was blessed. That stuff was goooooooood. Enchiladas, she called them, but to me, I'd just call them Tostadas? I dunno man, but Maria is on point and I appreciate her face. And her cooking. Mwuahh.

Day 2: Learn

My favorite kind of study :)

It's a Celebration

Day 7: Happiness

Today is a celebration! After three years of waiting, God has blessed our church with a new pastor, and we are so incredibly happy to start a new chapter for our congregation.

Artwork done by my brilliantly talented friend Samira

Family in Christ

It's so so good to know you have people to turn to when things get hard. God is always there to give us love, support, and guidance. And, without fail, we can count on Him for anything. His love is unconditional, and even if we don't deserve it, He will still forgive us for our imperfections and show us love this world has never known.

Doubt and fear are human emotions. It's normal to forget that He is in control of everything sometimes. It's so easy to panic and lose trust in Him. But God does not give up on us, and He hears us. We just have to be willing to seek Him out, speak with Him, and listen to His guidance. And sometimes, it takes someone else to remind us of that and give us a few words of encouragement or support. But the good news is God thinks of even that detail, and He has placed an incredible group of people in my life. They pray for me and want what is best for me, and help me get closer to Him, which is exactly where I need to be. Above all, they prepare me so that I may be able to do the same for someone else. It's the greatest gift they could ever give me.

Across the World

Today was day 1 of Vacation Bible School. Lemme tell you, I am not a teacher. It takes a lot of patience that I just do not have. When God handed out gifts, He did not give me the "good with children" talent. Nope. Not at all. BUT. The assistants were awesome and helped me get stuff done. And what we did today was make cards for a pair of missionaries in Japan. All the little kids either wrote a note or drew something for Mike & Cindy Burgett. I hope to mail them off before the end of the week. I'm just excited that this pair doing amazing things will get this reminder from strangers that they are loved and the Lord will bless them for their hard work.

To the Tune of Blues Clues

WE JUST FINISHED FILMING

WE JUST FINISHED FILMING

WE JUST FINISHED FILMING

NOW WE CAN EDIT!

Family In Christ

Pastor Serrenil, his wife Linette, and his daughters Clarissa, Gigi, and Sabrina are leaving back to California on Tuesday. Today was their last day in our church, at least for now. I don't know if they will come back. I hope so. This family has done so much for me and they don't even know it. For YEARS I have felt separated from this church, not from God, from this church. And somehow, the pastor helped close that gap. And he made me realize how much I have to work on without talking down to me or making me feel scolded. God put him and his family in my life for a reason. Before leaving I was able to say goodbye to him, and then I thanked his wife. Linette is basically the person I want to be when I get older. She gave me some solid advice and told me she had faith in me and my future. She barely knows me, but she legitimately believes in me. She then gave me her number and told me to call her whenever I needed someone to talk to. Seriously. This theatre loving Sister has brought new hope to my life, and I am forever grateful.

Straight Up

My church talks about evangelizing a lot. And it's important. And it's something we should do more often. My church goes on Saturdays into Silver Spring to talk to others about God. I never go. I have a million excuses not to go. The biggest one being that I don't think it's my thing. I'm not really good at it. It's hard to find the words. I'm so scared I'll somehow mess up and there goes my chance to win souls for the Lord. It's just not where my gifts lie.

These past few weeks, we have had a few guest pastors staying with us. It has been amazing. Truly, never in my life have I felt so connected to the word in my own church. It's a crazy new wonderful feeling. Tonight, Pastor Julio Serrenil talked to us about his specialty: evangelism. And the very first thing he told us was that it is not a gift, it is a commandment. And it's right in the book of Matthew. God calls on us to spread His word. And there is no reason for me not to. Maybe I'm not great at it but I have to try. It's what God wants. And I heard the right words to remind me of that.

Day 11: Deep

Because what's more profound than the Lord's word, right?

Projects

Church gives me feelings sometimes. Like. The world would be such a different place if I ran it. Note, I did not say better. But so so so different. And a lot of what my church is doing is like NO STOP WHY. These ladies get so ambitious. And they're all WE CAN DO IT and I'm like yeah but not in three weeks. BUT we got prompts and such for how we are meant to help during Vacation Bible School. I'm not about making all of the youth help (if people are forced to do things, the work becomes half-assed or looks bad and insincere) or not filling in more adults about how they can help, BUT I do appreciate the somewhat of a heads up, the early organization, and the search for creativity. One Hermana jokingly was like "I can see Sammy thinking already". But she was right. I am thinking already. And, even though I have A LOT of feelings about the subject, I am going to do my best. This church is finally asking for my skills and interests to be put to good use. I'm finally getting the chance to step in and direct a project, which could result in changing a lot of kids' lives for the better. Pray for us!

Day 5: Hot

(because this is the best summertime snack)

These were the favors at Lisa's baby shower

Hello Compliments :)

Well today was quite successful! I'm pretty happy about the way events transpired today. Church was just a nice time full of people with nice things to say.

I got lots of compliments on my dress! That gold and green one that I wore on New Years and to the Friday show of Wendell. I like that dress. It's pretty fancy so I don't wear it often. But I wore it today cause special occasion. And lots of people really liked it! I looked nice today. Points for me!

Also, I sang today! Our big group number and the solo I did last night. Both went very well. Although apparently it was the first time a lot of people had heard me sing solo. At least like that. They're used to the big group numbers and the duets and the pretty, sweet songs from our hymnal. But pulling something new in had a really big impact. I enjoyed doing a fun, belty song that's actually in my range. People said SUCH NICE THINGS. It made me so happy. They all said that it was great of me to share God's gift and that I should do it more often. So very kind. I just. Ugh.

One person in particular said "looks like that schooling is paying off!" Can I begin to tell you how much that means to me? Can I even express how important that was to hear? Like. This is what I do. What I have always wanted to do. To perform in front of people. To act and sing and tell my story and the stories of so many others. And for a long time I thought not very many people got that. My friends obviously, because they feel the same way. But most other people mention doing good by God with nursing or construction or law or volunteering or anything but the arts, especially with a Hispanic congregation where we are basically raised trying to prove ourselves to America. It's easy to feel unappreciated or like people are looking down on what you love. So hearing someone say that following my dreams has made a difference just touches my heart so deeply. God gave me this gift and this passion for a reason, and I do not feel ashamed for following it. I'm glad that others are starting to see that, too!

First Rehearsal

So I mentioned earlier that I'm doing a solo in church in a couple of weeks. I finally got the chance to rehearse the song with Diego. It's very simple but the song is close to my heart. I love how it sounds and I love how enthusiastic he is about it. That means a lot to me, to know that the person helping me feels as touched by the song as I do. He says he wants to play around a bit more for a fuller sound which is cool. Also, we asked Bryan to help out with his electric guitar. I'm incredibly excited. It's something small and will only be for the youth group, but I can't wait. From the moment I heard this song, I knew I had to sing it. And now I will, and it will be better than expected! :)