24 Hours

Dear Samantha,

Maybe write in this thing more than once a month? Just a thought

So I sent you a NOVEL this morning. And it's been an eventful day since. I know you're not the only person who reads this (as much as I like pretending this is our safe space), so context is necessary. Sorry for the repetition haha.

I went to McDaniel yesterday. I had an ABSOLUTE BLAST. Gabe and I went to brunch at Silver Diner because I'm predictable consistent. We picked up Margie at the metro station and rode our way to Westminster (shout out to Gabe for being a gem and driving us back and forth omg). We hung out in my favorite building. I showed her around and teared up when I stepped on stage. People came to love on us, including the bae herself, Jess Mies. We hung out in the greenroom, served tea, ate Buffalo Wild Wings, reminisced on old quotes from the quote wall, and had the most amazing time. It was much needed and it felt like home. I COMPLETELY forgot to take a birthday squad picture so I could tag you and Jonathan cause I miss you both. Will remember for next visit.

As per usual I tried to make plans with Nick, this time specifically for his birthday, and as per usual they fell through. I'm honestly not surprised nor disappointed 'cause it was still a great day haha. I saw him at the show later that night, which was a fantastic show by the by, and noticed who he walked in with, but didn't think much of it. He and I chatted and it was nice to give him a big birthday hug. It wasn't until the actor walked into the audience that we turned around and EVERYONE in the first two rows saw him holding hands with this girl. This girl who I absolutely adore and can absolutely do no wrong, by the way, please don't start hating just in my defense haha.

Here's the negative part of the blog post on my positivity blog: My heart sank. I felt physically ill. Like, actually nauseated. I had Jess and Joshy hold my hands because I was struggling to understand what my body was doing, I thought it might be panic attack since I've never had one. I imagined something like that would happen (though the person was a pleasant surprise) and I thought I'd be totally fine. But I was shaking? And my breathing was strained and my heart was about to leap out of my body it was beating so fast. More than anything, from that point forward, I just reeeeaaallly wanted to vomit. That's the most dominant, vivid feeling from last night. I missed a whole scene of the show 'cause I just wanted my body to calm down. Lots of people also felt the need to ask me if I saw and if I was okay. I was not. I was so so so SO indescribably not. Luckily I was sitting in front of Brandi who is the ONLY person Nick tells things to, so I asked her. And she's a good friend so she said nothing, which is basically a yes haha. And I tried to say nothing because if he doesn't want people to know, then I'm not about to announce it to the world. But people saw for themselves so I didn't have to say anything. I heard from someone else they were most likely just hooking up but I doubt it if they're holding hands in public and leaving together. (SLASH I'd rather they date because then that means two people I adore will be happy together and I can be happy for them). I wanted to go home, but forced myself to make the most of the next few hours with people I rarely get to see. Gabe drove Margie home and then dropped me off. Jen S. showed me love. Joshy, Jess, and Margie all texted me goodnight to show support and love and apologize for my icky experience. I thanked them. Proceeded to vent to Margie so the other two could sleep (though they totally would've stayed up). Michael texted me his usual goodnight message and I unleashed EVERYTHING onto him (partially cause you & Jonathan were not available, you know I'd always go to you first for anything, and also Michael listens well). Margie stayed up with me for a few hours. Michael did until I fell asleep at 4am. From the moment I got home to 4am it was consistent crying, wondering if I should force myself to throw up, re-seeing them together, imagining the things we used to do with her replacing me (be it more intimate stuff or just the sweet and simple moments that I honestly preferred), and yelling at myself. First, I was yelling because I was being so whiny and pathetic over a 2 month relationship that ended 7 months ago and a guy who had made zero effort to be an active part of my life since then, I SHOULD'VE moved on by now. Around 2:30, I was yelling because I realized I'd been with other people between the breakup and now, so I felt hypocritical and idiotic because of course he would do the same thing and I had absolutely no right to feel as hurt as I was if it was only natural for people to seek other people. I was angry at myself for being so dramatic and pathetic, though in my defense I might've handled things better if my BODY didn't react to my intense emotion by MAKING MY STOMACH DO FLIPS UNTIL 4AM. I went to bed wanting love and text conversations from people but not wanting to SEE anyone, which is weird because I always thrive on physical contact and affection when I'm down. I woke up sans nausea, with no desire to see anyone. I didn't want to go to church, which usually means I need to go. Despite my hoping that I wouldn't have to be told what I already knew somwhere in my heart, the lessons at church today were very spot on and hit home, basically reminding me that God's doing this for a reason and, as we knew back during the breakup, it's better this way, especially for me in the long term. It became evident that this was what God knew I needed and that He made my next steps very obvious, and that my entire body wanted to reject those instructions with everything it had. Despite the fact that without the girl, not a single thing would've been different anyway, this hurt beyond belief, and NOW it was to the point that God was speaking to me and I actively did not want to listen. I didn't participate in Santa Cena, a big deal for me, because I knew my heart was not in the right place and God deserved better than that, and I'd have to work on myself before I could participate again. I cried during service three times. Not loudly, but profusely. And NO ONE in my row had tissues haha. We went home and I put on PJs and shut myself up in my room. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything but lie in bed, maybe distract myself with shows. The last time I cried over a boy and felt that crappy at church, you showed up at my door. I knew I was on my own for this one.

I spent 23 hours moping and whining and sobbing and miserable. My 23 "woe-is-me" hours. In those hours, people checked in on me. The reaction to what happened seemed to be the same across the board. The new couple, or whatever you want to call them, was shocking. Totally out of nowhere (unsurprising, they're not very public people. I'm the only one who blogs about her personal life for all two people to keep up with). They were shocked, but still excited. The pair made sense and they are both wonderful humans who have the potential to make each other so happy, and they both deserve to be happy. But everyone was worried about me. I was the ONLY REASON this news wasn't obvious good news. And that doesn't fly with me. That is NOT acceptable. I REFUSE to be the reason people can't have joy. No. Done. In the 24th hour since finding out, I got out of bed, demolished my workout after having weeks of really crappy ones, and got ready to watch my FAVORITE band kill it at the Grammys. No more moping. And this isn't like "I'm gonna do my best to get over it and fight through the pain". No, I'm genuinely good. I'm happy. That realization was the wake up call I needed. Deuces to a dead end relationship! I'm so effing happy for these kids. They have to be so stinkin cute together. Hey, even if it's not serious and they're just fooling around, congrats homegirl is in for a good time, I can vouch for that. This is it! This is the moment I move on with my life. 

Now we're on a whole new 24 hours. I feel like I can breathe again. To say the thought of missing that relationship is completely gone is a lie. But in the past seven months, it would occupy maybe 40-70% of my brain space on any given day. I have to say I'm at a solid 15%. This is day one so who knows if I'll continue to get better but I'm pretty confident about it, not gonna lie. God is so good! He provided the words I didn't want but NEEDED to hear. Last night was Him helping me out, and I knew it but it didn't feel like a good thing. Now it does. God heard me shout up and down about how I want to keep moving forward, but I was standing still. So he gave me a pretty intense push, and now I'm running forward. I'm not running to another relationship or to some random goal. This isn't like "success will be the best revenge" where I show Nick up by doing better. No, bump that, literally who has time to care about all that? I'm just running because I'm excited. I have zero clue where I'm going. But God's marked the path so I'll just follow that and see where it leads. I'm happy and I want everyone else to be happy. For me. For them. For whatever the future holds. Because even the tough spots do good eventually. I am ALL about giving people time to grieve. I took my 24 hours. Now I'm done wasting time. Upward and onward to a better me, whatever that means!

I'm grateful for a BRILLIANT day yesterday. I'm grateful for a place to call home. I'm grateful for a new form of closure. I'm grateful for personal movement in my journey. I'm grateful for every single person who continues to show me love and support that I can't even fathom. God is good, and He knows what He is doing. No one will EVER convince me otherwise.

Never Alone

"We need deliverance"

"We need God to deliver us some appropriate husbands ASAP"

Sometimes I think I'm funny

You'll hear about this in the letter, but loneliness has been on my mind a lot lately. It almost consumed me yesterday, quite honestly. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay. The problem is that, as much as I tell myself that, I don't have a real support system anymore. It's just me. Like, I have plenty of people who smile at me, tell me they're praying for me, and say "all in God's time", but they seem to have made their peace with the issue (mostly because they're all married so like cool, you have retrospect and whatnot). Which is why I'm grateful for people like your sister. Who NOT ONLY understand what it's like to doubt yourself and your romantic future every now and again, but ALSO know what it's like to wait for God to give you the okay. So we can take a moment to whine and cry about the fact that "God said no, and you already planned the wedding" haha. But we can also remember that there is a reason and a time for everything.

Things discussed tonight that were MUCH needed:

• Men are pretty. And boy is it tempting to just go with the next pretty guy who smiles at you.
• God will not bring us the right person until we stop LOOKING and actually LET HIM HANDLE IT
• Problem is, whether we mean to or not, we are 100% always looking
• God can see the big picture, and we can't. So maybe we should trust his vision
• We have to let God work on us first before we can be good for someone else
• We will miss everything if we don't just listen to Him and follow His timing
• "He's preparing the guy just as he's preparing us"

Simple truths. We've all heard them before and they'll be repeated to us many times in the future. But it's always so good to know someone else is struggling with you, and that you can support each other in a fight that is so so worth it.

Blessings In Disguise

I don't want to go into much detail here honestly. I'll save that for the secret blog. But this week has been quite difficult. And I have a decent list of things that have gone wrong this week. But, as He continuously proves, God does everything for a reason. Every single thing. And as long as I pray and trust Him, I'll get the answers I need in the time I need. Sunday night has still left me pretty shaken, and my work pile is not as controlled as I'd like, but there's so much more going right. And one of the things I feared the most is now quickly becoming a blessing. Something I've been praying for over the course of several months now is becoming realized. Something I saw as a problem has now provided solutions that I am incredibly grateful for. God's timing is perfect. And I'm happy for this reminder of that fact.

Something Beautiful

GOD DOES NOT PUT YOU THROUGH ANYTHING THAT YOU CANNOT OVERCOME. HE WILL CARRY THE WEIGHT AND HELP YOU GET TO WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. GOD MADE YOU THE STRONG, CAPABLE, BEAUTIFUL HUMAN THAT YOU ARE, AND WHATEVER IT IS, HE WILL BE BY YOUR SIDE. So cry those tears, but know that the tears will end and they will be replaced with an incredibly glorious plan that God has for you. Oh my goodness. Have I mentioned I love Tori Kelly? Have I? Because THIS SONG is something every Christian needs to remember, and I cannot thank her enough for spreading this message to the masses, and in such a gorgeous way. UGH. This is going to be on repeat for 25 years.

Day 2: Comfort

Nothing like coming home to a peaceful apartment after a long day.

Through God Who Strengthens Me

Major Accomplishments That Have Been Made Possible By The Lord (inspired by Graeme)

• I have been Stage Mom for two years, and I have helped many people within Alpha Psi
• I am able to show my Little just how much she means to me and be there for her
• I run this blog to remind myself and others of the joy that can be found in this world
• Despite my fear, I have been a pretty great Aunt to Cristina
• I was in a seven year toxic relationship and I got out

MAJOR. Accomplishments. I do not know if I can stress how difficult these have been. But I did it. And it is not based on my wavering strength, but on the consistent unstoppable strength of God. He was with me then. And He will continue to be with me through my troubles. Through the struggles of project stress. Through my journey for self-love. Through this trial of making the right decisions and mending my heart after experiencing loss. All of it. I've just got to take one more step. And after all those steps I have already taken, with God by my side, one more step seems possible.

4-18-15

I met Mama!!! It was actually the sweetest thing ever. I met my Little's mommy. And she was an absolute darling. So sweet and loving. And she gave me a huge hug right away. I can tell she is a kind person with a lot of love in her heart. She joked with me and thanked me for stuff I gave Mandy. I just. UGH. It's so cool that she is so involved with Mandy's life here. It's a good relationship. And it's also hilarious how much she wants to meet my niece. I'd be more than happy to arrange something :3 As an extreme bonus act of kindness, Mandy's parents donated to my Relay for Life page today. I am so very blessed.

EDIT: I forgot about this last night cause I was so sleepy, but it needs to be added. Something else that happened is tied for first and I need to mention it.

There is a man. There is a man I love dearly. His name is Fabrizio; I'm sure you're sick of that name. He is a friend of mine from church who is close to my heart. I might've loved him for the rest of my life, but I am a strong believer in God's plan. And he, to me, is proof of God slowly preparing us for incredible things.

I may not be so happy in my church anymore. I may need to leave soon. I need to run because I honestly cannot take it anymore. But he's not running. Slowly, respectfully, and intelligently, he has been fighting and making a difference. I don't even know if he's aware. But I truly believe that God has given him the task of taking this misguided congregation and leading them back to the right path. It's a hard job, and it made me realize that he will need a stronger support system than me. He doesn't need someone who has to run; he needs someone who will stand and fight with him. I'm more than happy to support him from afar. And watching him go along this path brings joy to my heart. He's been helping direct hymns for quite some time now. For a couple of years, he has been the President of the Youth Group. For maybe a year now, he has been a teacher for kids about 7 to 10. At the beginning of the year, he was also made a deacon. He knows how to speak to these people and how to make them see the light. It's incredible to watch.

Last night, he told me he preached for the first time. He actually led a service. I almost cried when I heard. He said it went very well and he got a lot of compliments. I told him how happy I was and that I wish I could've seen it, but I was sure I'd get the chance over the summer. He said I probably would because he, along with Jaroll and Bryan, would start preaching regularly with our usual Hermano Arce. My heart is singing. This generation has so much promise, and they are doing such good things in the eyes of the Lord. They, in my opinion, are the hope for this church. And watching it all unfold fills my heart with love and song in ways I cannot eloquently describe. I trust that boy with my life, and certainly as my spiritual guide. And I hope that the rest of our congregation will continue to do the same because if there is one thing I'm certain of, it is that God is going to do amazing things in the life of this amazing man.

#GodIsGreaterThan FINALS

Reason 284: At around 1am, #GodIsGreaterThan was trending. Sorry for those non-religious who don't care. I don't expect a lot of people to. But it was such a blessing, in a time of stress, to be reminded that He is greater than heartbreak, suicide, stress, sadness, pain, fear, insecurity, sin, and anything this world could possibly throw at me. Truly what I needed. And I hope everyone has something like this, small as it may be, to keep them going.

That's it! We got it! Let's go!

Edit: This. Announcement. I'm too excited for caps lock. Are the chances slim? Yes. Do I care? No. I think I might die.

God's Plan

Reason 193: STORYTIME! So this morning was kind of crazy. I was going to go to bed early but decided to stay up. I'm finally getting ready to go to bed at 2AM, and then Jess walks in the room. Apparently she did not want to wake her roommate Kelly, and we'd told her it was okay for her to come down. Thank God we were awake. She's been sick, as mentioned previously, but getting better. She walks in and says, now that her medication is up, she could feel her throat closing and she wondered whether or not she should call Campus Safety. Long story short, we went to the hospital, only to get medication for the poor darling and make sure nothing new was occurring. So her parents got there around 4. And then they finally attended to her. God's smart. He waited until her parents were present so that all the information could be taken care of properly. Jess stayed with her parents at the hospital, and Campus Safety escorted us back to campus. We got back at 4:30 and were beyond exhausted. I slept in a little later than I usually do because I was so tired. I log onto my email, same as always, and see a message from my teacher for my only morning class saying that class has been cancelled. I collapse onto bed and sleep until past 12, with more than enough time to get to my afternoon class. I would love to just take a look at God's clipboard and figure out how everything just falls into place so perfectly.

The reason I was up so late.

New addiction.

No regrets.