Letters From the Past

It's Saturday! My plans got cancelled so I spent most of today in PJs doing personal stuff for me. Cleaning. Laundry. Church lesson stuff. Lots of Netflix haha. And man, sleeping in. So so so necessary. While I was cleaning, I found some old stuff. In a 2010 math binder (different from the giant pile of notes from middle school), I saw a small letter from Jason Guerrero. He essentially was checking in on me because I seemed sad or upset, and he let me know that he was always available if I needed to talk. It's such a kind sentiment. One I needed today. And one I'm happy to know is still valid - no expiration date. Speaking of date, I also found two letters from Xabiel. They were love letters. The only love letters I've ever gotten in my whole life. Throwback to junior year. You know, I was really lucky to have him. Even with the amazing life changes he's gone through, I know we wouldn't have worked out. But I'm just so lucky to have him as a friend now. And back then, when I needed to know someone cared about me and saw real value in me, he was absolutely there for me. It's so cute, his spelling is off and he ABSOLUTELY wrote stream of consciousness (which I do, too, but I at least try to sound eloquent haha). And I feel like that makes it so much more genuine and real. Like, we were 16, I didn't need all the floral nonsense. That probably would've made it cringey to be honest haha. I can look at it and just know I was special to him, as he was special to me. What a lovely, warm memory.

Happy anniversary to Hannah and Nick. I wish you every happiness.
And to Eric and Elena?! I thought they were still fighting about whether it was the 10th or the 14th BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING THIS WEEKEND so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it today so that my bases are covered ;) I'm so glad you found each other.

Wow, I've dated all the guys I've mentioned today. Yikes. But most of them have much more meaningful relationships with me outside of the romance. You know, the ones who bother to talk to me. Ooh Sammy, getting petty haha. But seriously, mad love to them all. I am who I am because of them. And, INCLUDING the many others that stood by my side over the years, I'm grateful I always had my boys to make me feel safe and loved.

Important Tears

A successful Friday! Today I actually managed to get some decent stuff done at work. It was also my boss' birthday! Dr. Gowda, the one who has me as his surgery coordinator. We got him a yummy, cute little cake and everything. It was a nice moment. And later, when UberEats randomly showed up at our office, we realized it was his beautiful, loving wife sending her hubby lunch for his special day. How sweet is that? I really like her. And I really like the two of them together. I can't explain hehe they just make me happy.

Today I take apart the Jesus puzzle (my January one) and start working on February. It's a collection of pies! Which sounds really good right about now. I've been craving cookies or a donut or like a SOLID dessert all day. Cake is too squishy to count haha.

I had plans with Xabiel but he had to cancel. Which means I spend the night in. Honestly? So freaking relaxing. I'm watching One Day at a Time. This show is so good. I already adored it and all the issues it tackled. But season 2 is something new. And I'm obsessed. And as much as I laugh and love, it also really hits home. The episode I just watched was about depression, how one character realized she'd have to live with it forever and she can't just go off meds and stop therapy expecting to suddenly be cured. The intensity was real. I can't describe it but, knowing that my depression feels like hers sometimes and that this time period is usually when it hits its peak, it really just pulled at my heart. Full tears. And to hear that her mother, who doesn't really get mental health and never knew how best to support her, could finally admit to not fully understanding but still wanting her daughter to do whatever necessary to be happy REALLY. REALLY. Hit my gut. I don't think I can stress how important that is. Even if it was from a fictional character, I think I really needed to hear it.

I texted Karla when the episode ended and told her I was sobbing. Because I was, no exaggeration. No giant heaving breaths or anything dramatic but honest to goodness tears that will not stop. And I told her I needed chocolate and ice cream and blankets. She sent me "I'M HERE FOR YOUUUUUU!!!!!!" followed by emojis of chocolate and ice cream and beds with blankets. If there's anyone I can count on it's my sister.

Never Alone

"We need deliverance"

"We need God to deliver us some appropriate husbands ASAP"

Sometimes I think I'm funny

You'll hear about this in the letter, but loneliness has been on my mind a lot lately. It almost consumed me yesterday, quite honestly. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay. The problem is that, as much as I tell myself that, I don't have a real support system anymore. It's just me. Like, I have plenty of people who smile at me, tell me they're praying for me, and say "all in God's time", but they seem to have made their peace with the issue (mostly because they're all married so like cool, you have retrospect and whatnot). Which is why I'm grateful for people like your sister. Who NOT ONLY understand what it's like to doubt yourself and your romantic future every now and again, but ALSO know what it's like to wait for God to give you the okay. So we can take a moment to whine and cry about the fact that "God said no, and you already planned the wedding" haha. But we can also remember that there is a reason and a time for everything.

Things discussed tonight that were MUCH needed:

• Men are pretty. And boy is it tempting to just go with the next pretty guy who smiles at you.
• God will not bring us the right person until we stop LOOKING and actually LET HIM HANDLE IT
• Problem is, whether we mean to or not, we are 100% always looking
• God can see the big picture, and we can't. So maybe we should trust his vision
• We have to let God work on us first before we can be good for someone else
• We will miss everything if we don't just listen to Him and follow His timing
• "He's preparing the guy just as he's preparing us"

Simple truths. We've all heard them before and they'll be repeated to us many times in the future. But it's always so good to know someone else is struggling with you, and that you can support each other in a fight that is so so worth it.

The Couples That Last

We took several minutes of our rehearsal today just to listen to Nick talking about his wife. It was adorable. Oh my goodness he lit up talking about her. And it wasn't like all smitten and cutesy? He laughed at her silliness and complimented her good points and really just genuinely saw so many great things about her and was so happy to be with her. He, like, loves talking about her because she is so fascinating to him. How lovely is that?

Day 11: Fuzzy

Meet Demetrius, another member of our stuffed and lovable family

PS: Carrie has two new songs. One with her boyfriend, and one about an ex. And both are very dear to my heart for very different reasons.

Meeting Princesses

I know I talk about the boys' girlfriends a lot. Like a lot a lot. But it GENUINELY makes me happy to see people I care about happy with people they care about who care about them in return. That made sense right?

So, a small note. Harrison & Taylor are as precious as ever. Harrison's birthday is coming up and Taylor got him this really awesome fancy lens. I obviously know very little about photography, but Harrison is ecstatic. They treat each other well and he is honest to goodness proud of her and all the great things she's accomplishing in the fashion world. A couple that supports each other. Beautiful.

ALSO. Tonight, I went to see West Side Story at Watkins Mill. Evan's brother, James, played Tony. Freaking singers, yo. I swoon. But not the point. Evan was there! So it was cool to see him. And ALI WAS THERE. Little Miss Sunshine, I love Disney and music and all things that bring happiness, Ali. I've already talked about how much I love her, right? Welp she was there and we hugged and she actually had been asking about me and just. She's DARLING. And so pretty in person. And they're so cute. We sat behind them and they kept snuggling and I'm just like PRECIOUS BABIES I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

It just. I dunno. It gives me hope. Not necessarily that I'll find someone. But that all of us, we're gonna be okay. We're gonna stay friends, but still go our own ways. And we'll be okay! We'll be happy :)

Now all that's left is to meet Emily (Alex's freakin cutie of a girlfriend) in person and I'll officially be the creepy childhood friend :P

Sailing

My brother and his girlfriend are literally the cutest couple. LOOK. LOOK AT THEIR LOVE. It's legitimately the cutest.

I'll Regret This Later

Brace yourselves. It's another long one.

Reason 261: I'm going to say something I didn't think I'd say here. Family read my blog. My friend's mom reads this blog. I don't like calling people out, and quite frankly it's not the type of thing I want to put on here. But I'm going to write about it.

My friendship with John is somewhat of a sanctuary for me. This is partially due to my need for male interaction, seeing as my friend groups have never really consisted of much estrogen before now. It's mostly due to the kind of relationship we have. We can actually talk about anything. Seriously. People have scolded us for talking about really private things in public, and we forget that we're not supposed to be comfortable mentioning those things. Most importantly, I know for a FACT we will never be attracted to one another. I can't explain why. If I do, it will make him sound like a complete jerk, which is not my goal. I mean he is a jerk. Especially when it comes to his standards in girls. He admits to this every day before anyone even has to remind him. But I honestly prefer it. Here's why.

I HATE being the rebound. But I always am. The vast majority of guys I'm friends with have, at some point, told me they liked me or were interested in me, only to gain my interest and then realize I was a "rebound" or "last result" or "desired hook-up, but not a relationship". Seriously. It's happened way too much. And it never ends badly. Give me a day, I promise I get over it. And I've stayed great friends with all these guys. They're not bad people. I see them with their other girlfriends, they know how to treat girls. It's really just with me. Jason once said that it was because, when you're at your lowest, all you want is kindness and love. "So, naturally, they think of you." Sweetest thing he's ever said to me, by the way. I mean it doesn't justify the guys' actions. But in a way, he's right. Good people don't do something like that unless they absolutely need to. And even today, they still apologize to me for it, even though it's not their fault that they didn't actually like me. A few of them are actually more strict about who I date because they don't want me to go through that again (not that they've had anyone to worry about for a while).

But the point is, even though it all has a happy ending and there are no hard feelings, it still hurts. In the moment, it stings. Especially because it's always the same story, and I'd love if someone could actually like me, not just need me. I'm tired of it. Not angry tired. Just drained tired. And, knowing me, it could happen again and I'd forgive the guy like it was nothing. I put my foot down, and said "high school is over, I'm not letting this happen to me anymore". And that kind of starts with John. Okay, so he doesn't find me attractive. Good! Finally! There's no confusion. We know exactly what our relationship is, we're both incredibly happy with it, and it will not change any time soon. With John, I feel safe.

I'm going to regret it later. I have SO much work to do. Not like "all-nighter" work. But "up 'til 5" work. But I took a few hours and just hung out with John for the 1st time since last semester. It was much needed. I'm in such a good mood. Hallelujah friendships. Also, this song is catchy and related (whole conversation started because we mentioned Hayley Williams and new Paramore).

TWO HUNDRED STRONG!

We shall start the 200th post with stories.

My phone conversation last night.

Mom: So what are you doing for Valentine's Day.

Me: Staying home?

Mom: Oh, I thought you'd go out with your friends or something.

Me: Well we wanted to, but you know, they have their boyfriends coming over. And I have rehearsal, plus no money, so it's just a better idea to stay home.

Mom: Oh alright, that's nice... So do you still talk to Storm?

Me: Yep.

Mom: How is he?

Me: Oh he's fine, he's doing well.

Mom: Oh okay... We'll talk more about that later.

Me: Umm. Kay.

Mom: So, who wants to be your boyfriend now?

Me: -shocked- No one?!

Mom: -GASP- Really?!?

Me: Yes mom. Really.

Mom: How do you know??

Me: Well, no one's exactly saying anything.

Mom: Oh. Okay. -Pouts- Alright, goodnight!

I'm sure this will be funny some day. Eventually. Admittedly, I was annoyed. In fact, I made it a point to show how annoyed I was. But I made myself some soup, sat down, and focused on my homework, allowing me to calm down and stop being angry over an honestly harmless conversation.

Earlier today, in my Communications class (with a focus on relationships), we were bringing up Valentine's Day. We brought up dates, and personal ads, and the level of love people have, and what people do for the special occasion, etc. Every time someone said the name of the holiday, the girl next to me grimaced, or rolled her eyes, or said something along the lines of "Gross", "Singles Awareness Day" yada yada. Whenever I laughed or looked at her questioningly, she'd laugh and say, "I'm just really bitter."

Reason 200: I'm not bitter. WELL, let's be honest, I am. But not NEARLY that much. There are moments, like last night, when it does hurt a little to think about the fact that I don't have a significant other. I think it's okay. It's normal. Desiring the affection of someone else is human, as far as I know. But I can't let it get to me. And I don't. I'm excited for tomorrow! Candy. Lots of pinks and reds. Toys. Teachers in a good mood, talking about their plans. And I get to see a lot of other couples being really happy. Well, I HAVE to see it, I won't be able to avoid it. So instead of whining, why not be happy for them? I'm happy so many people love and are loved in return. And I'm happy that, despite whatever negative experiences I may have had with any of my boys, we're all still such great friends, and we are there for each other in the way that is best for us. I'm blessed to have so many friends and not just some boyfriend that may leave whenever he wants. Besides, why be bitter that you're single? You don't have to buy a present or look nice for anyone or compromise for anyone. You have time to focus on you. Right now I can focus on my schoolwork, my acting, and finding ways to help my family and make them proud. Those are my priorities right now. A relationship can come later.

Someday :)

 

Happy February 13th

How Does She Know?

Reason 162: Reassurance. Hooray for knowing where you stand.

Making of > Original. Fun fact, some of the elder couples in this number are actually married.

I CHANGED MY MIND

Reason 91: I'm proud of Sara. Her boyfriend has been crap to her lately, and timid little Sara has put up with it and worried and cried. Today, she's done. She's over it and fed up. His stuff is packed up and ready to move the heck out of her room. And a note with all the reasons that they should stay together (typed) with the words I CHANGED MY MIND over the list in Sharpie. Yes, she is hurt, but she's doing better. This is a major step for her. And now, we have a girls night :)

LOVE this song to no end.

Cop Out

Reason 88: I'm not picking. Today was wonderful. And I have so much to say.

• It was BEAUTIFUL out. Beautiful trees and the weather was so nice.
• We got Pikachu back. He's safe in the room and no one will ever steal him again!
• Making plans for our visit to NJ. This can really happen. YAY.
• Skyped with Storm today. OMG the amount that I missed this kid is ridiculous. He's such a darling, and I loved being able to see him.
• MET SARA! We finally talked and oh my goodness she's so awesome. And so unfairly pretty!
• Ghost Tour. McDaniel campus is FULL of ghosts and all the stories are so incredible to hear. It's so cool to have so much history on one campus. Some stories are tragic, but overall it's fascinating. And some aren't even malignant, so it's kind of nice. Some ghosts have even been known to save lives. It gives me chills, in the best way possible!
• The couples everywhere didn't really bother me today. I was able to feel happy for them. Which, unfortunately, I haven't really been able to do in a while. But today, I was glad to see them smiling together.

Speaking of chills in the best way

 

Your Eyes Are Open

Reason 54: So I'm exhausted. And let me tell you why. I stayed up until 6 in the morning. On skype. Oh my goodness. It's awful. But I'm so happy. Because we've talked about everything. And it was so soothing. And sweet. And basically I love him. And I can't wait until this weekend. And it was JUST what I needed :)

We had a bit of time where he just sent me songs continuously. And this was one of them. And I tried so hard not to laugh and wake Emily up!

Sitting On A Rainbow

Reason 42: So much love! So child in previous post asked out his lady friend. Which is cute, no duh, all the happy hearts. But MORE IMPORTANTLY. Karla is getting married in a week. It's almost here! I can't believe it! There's so much love around me :3 It's a beautiful thing.

PS: We should skype soon. Like actual video. Because I have so much to tell you o.o

Matter Of Extreme Importance

Reason 37: THEY KISSED THEY KISSED THEY KISSED THEY KISSED THEY KISSED! It's ridiculous how happy I am for them right now. AHH!

PS: I know you're not his biggest fan. But I promise he is a good guy. He'd never hurt me, and we're still so close. He's one of my dearest friends, and this is absolutely wonderful news :) Believe me, he deserves it. AND IT'S ABOUT TIME!
PPS: I've gone through a relapse of Silverstein, Alesana, Killswitch Engage, and Children of Bodom. I seriously need to get back into metal.

I Could Be Your Kryptonite

Reason 36: I think I'm falling for you ("you" meaning you know who) Haha but it's okay. It's more of a glide than a fall. And I don't want anyone to catch me. I want to land on my own two feet. And stroll off with a ladylike "Hah!" 0:)

This. Song. Has. Been. On. Replay. For. 2. Days.

Partially because it's catchy. SLIGHTLY cause it says "Kryptonite" (man I'm the worst). Mostly because I can't figure out if she purposefully sampled "Ready Or Not" by the Fugees, or if it just sounds similar...