But Ya Gotta Have Friends

Reason 332: Today was a day for revisiting friendships. After the whole drama of a BEE IN MY HOUSE, I calmed down and got myself to Downtown Silver Spring (lolmiddleschool). I spent my evening with Jason! It was fun, I honestly missed him. Same humor and personality I love. I can see some change in him, he's grown up, even if only a little heh. And he's still really kind to me, which I so needed. We went to Color Me Mine, and of course only I painted because Jason was too afraid he wouldn't like what he made haha. We got some frozen yogurt, which was flippin' delicious. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff. You know, they say misery enjoys company. And it's not like I'm glad to see Jason upset. But considering how distant I've felt from our old friends and how much I feel they've changed, it's just nice to know I'm not the only one who sees it. It may just mean I have some growing up and changing of my own to do. But at least I'm not alone. We saw This Is The End. So much of it should not have been funny but it had me rolling! I'm so glad I got to see it. And then we ran into a couple of friends from high school, all of Jason's old gang, but (aside from one) they were all upper classmen and weren't so close with me. I was surprised that out of all of them, I got the warmest welcome from DP. Due to some series of events, Jason's mom couldn't come get us. Getting  a ride with the group meant staying and waiting, and it was like 9:40. So, like a selfish brat (I hate myself I'm so awful omg I can't believe I did this I'm a horrible person) I called Eric (Allasi) and asked him for a ride. And like the knight in shining armor he is, he rushed over and picked me up. And I spent a good 5 minutes thanking him and saying how sorry I was. And then we just caught up and laughed and talked about work and such. Seriously, it's impossible to feel down around Eric. He treats me so well. To think I let him go for someone who dumped me after two weeks. Meh! Look at all the things that change in a year :)

This song is a part of the letter I wrote you today

I'll Regret This Later

Brace yourselves. It's another long one.

Reason 261: I'm going to say something I didn't think I'd say here. Family read my blog. My friend's mom reads this blog. I don't like calling people out, and quite frankly it's not the type of thing I want to put on here. But I'm going to write about it.

My friendship with John is somewhat of a sanctuary for me. This is partially due to my need for male interaction, seeing as my friend groups have never really consisted of much estrogen before now. It's mostly due to the kind of relationship we have. We can actually talk about anything. Seriously. People have scolded us for talking about really private things in public, and we forget that we're not supposed to be comfortable mentioning those things. Most importantly, I know for a FACT we will never be attracted to one another. I can't explain why. If I do, it will make him sound like a complete jerk, which is not my goal. I mean he is a jerk. Especially when it comes to his standards in girls. He admits to this every day before anyone even has to remind him. But I honestly prefer it. Here's why.

I HATE being the rebound. But I always am. The vast majority of guys I'm friends with have, at some point, told me they liked me or were interested in me, only to gain my interest and then realize I was a "rebound" or "last result" or "desired hook-up, but not a relationship". Seriously. It's happened way too much. And it never ends badly. Give me a day, I promise I get over it. And I've stayed great friends with all these guys. They're not bad people. I see them with their other girlfriends, they know how to treat girls. It's really just with me. Jason once said that it was because, when you're at your lowest, all you want is kindness and love. "So, naturally, they think of you." Sweetest thing he's ever said to me, by the way. I mean it doesn't justify the guys' actions. But in a way, he's right. Good people don't do something like that unless they absolutely need to. And even today, they still apologize to me for it, even though it's not their fault that they didn't actually like me. A few of them are actually more strict about who I date because they don't want me to go through that again (not that they've had anyone to worry about for a while).

But the point is, even though it all has a happy ending and there are no hard feelings, it still hurts. In the moment, it stings. Especially because it's always the same story, and I'd love if someone could actually like me, not just need me. I'm tired of it. Not angry tired. Just drained tired. And, knowing me, it could happen again and I'd forgive the guy like it was nothing. I put my foot down, and said "high school is over, I'm not letting this happen to me anymore". And that kind of starts with John. Okay, so he doesn't find me attractive. Good! Finally! There's no confusion. We know exactly what our relationship is, we're both incredibly happy with it, and it will not change any time soon. With John, I feel safe.

I'm going to regret it later. I have SO much work to do. Not like "all-nighter" work. But "up 'til 5" work. But I took a few hours and just hung out with John for the 1st time since last semester. It was much needed. I'm in such a good mood. Hallelujah friendships. Also, this song is catchy and related (whole conversation started because we mentioned Hayley Williams and new Paramore).