I'll Regret This Later

Brace yourselves. It's another long one.

Reason 261: I'm going to say something I didn't think I'd say here. Family read my blog. My friend's mom reads this blog. I don't like calling people out, and quite frankly it's not the type of thing I want to put on here. But I'm going to write about it.

My friendship with John is somewhat of a sanctuary for me. This is partially due to my need for male interaction, seeing as my friend groups have never really consisted of much estrogen before now. It's mostly due to the kind of relationship we have. We can actually talk about anything. Seriously. People have scolded us for talking about really private things in public, and we forget that we're not supposed to be comfortable mentioning those things. Most importantly, I know for a FACT we will never be attracted to one another. I can't explain why. If I do, it will make him sound like a complete jerk, which is not my goal. I mean he is a jerk. Especially when it comes to his standards in girls. He admits to this every day before anyone even has to remind him. But I honestly prefer it. Here's why.

I HATE being the rebound. But I always am. The vast majority of guys I'm friends with have, at some point, told me they liked me or were interested in me, only to gain my interest and then realize I was a "rebound" or "last result" or "desired hook-up, but not a relationship". Seriously. It's happened way too much. And it never ends badly. Give me a day, I promise I get over it. And I've stayed great friends with all these guys. They're not bad people. I see them with their other girlfriends, they know how to treat girls. It's really just with me. Jason once said that it was because, when you're at your lowest, all you want is kindness and love. "So, naturally, they think of you." Sweetest thing he's ever said to me, by the way. I mean it doesn't justify the guys' actions. But in a way, he's right. Good people don't do something like that unless they absolutely need to. And even today, they still apologize to me for it, even though it's not their fault that they didn't actually like me. A few of them are actually more strict about who I date because they don't want me to go through that again (not that they've had anyone to worry about for a while).

But the point is, even though it all has a happy ending and there are no hard feelings, it still hurts. In the moment, it stings. Especially because it's always the same story, and I'd love if someone could actually like me, not just need me. I'm tired of it. Not angry tired. Just drained tired. And, knowing me, it could happen again and I'd forgive the guy like it was nothing. I put my foot down, and said "high school is over, I'm not letting this happen to me anymore". And that kind of starts with John. Okay, so he doesn't find me attractive. Good! Finally! There's no confusion. We know exactly what our relationship is, we're both incredibly happy with it, and it will not change any time soon. With John, I feel safe.

I'm going to regret it later. I have SO much work to do. Not like "all-nighter" work. But "up 'til 5" work. But I took a few hours and just hung out with John for the 1st time since last semester. It was much needed. I'm in such a good mood. Hallelujah friendships. Also, this song is catchy and related (whole conversation started because we mentioned Hayley Williams and new Paramore).

An Unnecessarily Long Introduction

A close friend of mine sent me a journal. Just a small book of thoughts and inspirations. In this journal, I saw his soul. That may be the cheesiest thing I've ever said, but I really don't know how else to say it. In one part he confessed that he used twitter to rant and ramble, and get his feelings out. But eventually, he decided to vent through "good old-fashioned writing". I decided it was about time I do the same. And I wanted to do the same for him, but I wanted it to be something positive. It's not true that "there's no reason to be sad". There is reason to be sad. But there's so much more reason to be happy. I believe we both needed a reminder of that. So I decided on 365 reasons to smile. It's my way of sharing the personal joys in my life. HOWEVER, I think most journals are about 200 pages (??), and postage is expensive and time consuming. SO I decided to choose this as my medium. I realize it will probably only be him and myself that ever see this, seeing as no one even uses blogger anymore (admittedly I prefer vlogs, but I lack the means to produce my own). That's okay. I just hope I can get through this with as much positivity as possible. I'll try my hardest not to be a preachy "oh-look-she-thinks-she's-deep" teenager. I'm also fairly sure that no other entry will EVER be as long as this one. -sigh- Here goes another way to use up my time.

Reason 1: Today, I am starting a new project. And with it, I start a new adventure :)