Letters From the Past

It's Saturday! My plans got cancelled so I spent most of today in PJs doing personal stuff for me. Cleaning. Laundry. Church lesson stuff. Lots of Netflix haha. And man, sleeping in. So so so necessary. While I was cleaning, I found some old stuff. In a 2010 math binder (different from the giant pile of notes from middle school), I saw a small letter from Jason Guerrero. He essentially was checking in on me because I seemed sad or upset, and he let me know that he was always available if I needed to talk. It's such a kind sentiment. One I needed today. And one I'm happy to know is still valid - no expiration date. Speaking of date, I also found two letters from Xabiel. They were love letters. The only love letters I've ever gotten in my whole life. Throwback to junior year. You know, I was really lucky to have him. Even with the amazing life changes he's gone through, I know we wouldn't have worked out. But I'm just so lucky to have him as a friend now. And back then, when I needed to know someone cared about me and saw real value in me, he was absolutely there for me. It's so cute, his spelling is off and he ABSOLUTELY wrote stream of consciousness (which I do, too, but I at least try to sound eloquent haha). And I feel like that makes it so much more genuine and real. Like, we were 16, I didn't need all the floral nonsense. That probably would've made it cringey to be honest haha. I can look at it and just know I was special to him, as he was special to me. What a lovely, warm memory.

Happy anniversary to Hannah and Nick. I wish you every happiness.
And to Eric and Elena?! I thought they were still fighting about whether it was the 10th or the 14th BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CELEBRATING THIS WEEKEND so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it today so that my bases are covered ;) I'm so glad you found each other.

Wow, I've dated all the guys I've mentioned today. Yikes. But most of them have much more meaningful relationships with me outside of the romance. You know, the ones who bother to talk to me. Ooh Sammy, getting petty haha. But seriously, mad love to them all. I am who I am because of them. And, INCLUDING the many others that stood by my side over the years, I'm grateful I always had my boys to make me feel safe and loved.

Never Alone

"We need deliverance"

"We need God to deliver us some appropriate husbands ASAP"

Sometimes I think I'm funny

You'll hear about this in the letter, but loneliness has been on my mind a lot lately. It almost consumed me yesterday, quite honestly. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay. The problem is that, as much as I tell myself that, I don't have a real support system anymore. It's just me. Like, I have plenty of people who smile at me, tell me they're praying for me, and say "all in God's time", but they seem to have made their peace with the issue (mostly because they're all married so like cool, you have retrospect and whatnot). Which is why I'm grateful for people like your sister. Who NOT ONLY understand what it's like to doubt yourself and your romantic future every now and again, but ALSO know what it's like to wait for God to give you the okay. So we can take a moment to whine and cry about the fact that "God said no, and you already planned the wedding" haha. But we can also remember that there is a reason and a time for everything.

Things discussed tonight that were MUCH needed:

• Men are pretty. And boy is it tempting to just go with the next pretty guy who smiles at you.
• God will not bring us the right person until we stop LOOKING and actually LET HIM HANDLE IT
• Problem is, whether we mean to or not, we are 100% always looking
• God can see the big picture, and we can't. So maybe we should trust his vision
• We have to let God work on us first before we can be good for someone else
• We will miss everything if we don't just listen to Him and follow His timing
• "He's preparing the guy just as he's preparing us"

Simple truths. We've all heard them before and they'll be repeated to us many times in the future. But it's always so good to know someone else is struggling with you, and that you can support each other in a fight that is so so worth it.

A New Friend

His name is Bense. He's Hungarian. He's here at McDaniel for the semester. I have Film Analysis with him. He's super sweet. He's pretty cute. He has very nice arms. He's kind of distracting. He let me sit next to him in lab tonight. He chatted with me. He apparently lives in this building, potentially on this floor? He walked be back to my room. He responded to me thanking him for his company with "anytime". I'm a little happy.

Oh Danny Boy

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE FACEBOOK MESSAGE THIS CHILD JUST SENT ME

Hey I wanted to explain about what happen before... yes I was trying to start something but after what happen over there in peru I change completely my mind and I dont want to be with nobody I just want to focus on my work like I allways did... iam sorry if I bother u...

Iam hope u can forget what I said before and just be friends

But seriously. What is my life. Whatever it's over. We happy dance.

Prettiest of Views

Reason 357: Let's be real. Like 100% real right now. Le work crush. I know. I'm such a girl. It's gross. But dangit, the kid is cute! And talking to him makes me happy :) I only get to do so for about 20 more days. Let me be a dork while I can.

Kurt Schneider is a youtuber. Director. Music producer. His arrangements are always flawless. He rarely sings himself. He's worked with Victoria Justice, Liz Gillies, Keke Palmer, Max Schneider, etc.
He also works with other youtubers, including Pentatonix! And these 3 right here, who he's helped produce entire albums for, all of which are good. You should check him out.

"Mother Father Gentlemen"

Reason 282: I often complain about having no guy friends on campus. While having a lovely hilariously inappropriate dinner with John, I ran into Norman, Brandon D, Josh P, Josh H, Najee, and Aarik. And I got some pretty great hugs and conversation. I'm quite pleased :3 (But you should still, you know, be here so we may romp about the Cherry Blossoms or something. Actually we'd probably just stay inside in our jammies and watch Up. Dear God that sounds amazing.)

I know this song has been around for the better part of the year but I cannot stop playing it. Whoever says they hate techno just doesn't know where to look (slash doesn't realize what year it is).

I'll Regret This Later

Brace yourselves. It's another long one.

Reason 261: I'm going to say something I didn't think I'd say here. Family read my blog. My friend's mom reads this blog. I don't like calling people out, and quite frankly it's not the type of thing I want to put on here. But I'm going to write about it.

My friendship with John is somewhat of a sanctuary for me. This is partially due to my need for male interaction, seeing as my friend groups have never really consisted of much estrogen before now. It's mostly due to the kind of relationship we have. We can actually talk about anything. Seriously. People have scolded us for talking about really private things in public, and we forget that we're not supposed to be comfortable mentioning those things. Most importantly, I know for a FACT we will never be attracted to one another. I can't explain why. If I do, it will make him sound like a complete jerk, which is not my goal. I mean he is a jerk. Especially when it comes to his standards in girls. He admits to this every day before anyone even has to remind him. But I honestly prefer it. Here's why.

I HATE being the rebound. But I always am. The vast majority of guys I'm friends with have, at some point, told me they liked me or were interested in me, only to gain my interest and then realize I was a "rebound" or "last result" or "desired hook-up, but not a relationship". Seriously. It's happened way too much. And it never ends badly. Give me a day, I promise I get over it. And I've stayed great friends with all these guys. They're not bad people. I see them with their other girlfriends, they know how to treat girls. It's really just with me. Jason once said that it was because, when you're at your lowest, all you want is kindness and love. "So, naturally, they think of you." Sweetest thing he's ever said to me, by the way. I mean it doesn't justify the guys' actions. But in a way, he's right. Good people don't do something like that unless they absolutely need to. And even today, they still apologize to me for it, even though it's not their fault that they didn't actually like me. A few of them are actually more strict about who I date because they don't want me to go through that again (not that they've had anyone to worry about for a while).

But the point is, even though it all has a happy ending and there are no hard feelings, it still hurts. In the moment, it stings. Especially because it's always the same story, and I'd love if someone could actually like me, not just need me. I'm tired of it. Not angry tired. Just drained tired. And, knowing me, it could happen again and I'd forgive the guy like it was nothing. I put my foot down, and said "high school is over, I'm not letting this happen to me anymore". And that kind of starts with John. Okay, so he doesn't find me attractive. Good! Finally! There's no confusion. We know exactly what our relationship is, we're both incredibly happy with it, and it will not change any time soon. With John, I feel safe.

I'm going to regret it later. I have SO much work to do. Not like "all-nighter" work. But "up 'til 5" work. But I took a few hours and just hung out with John for the 1st time since last semester. It was much needed. I'm in such a good mood. Hallelujah friendships. Also, this song is catchy and related (whole conversation started because we mentioned Hayley Williams and new Paramore).